I'm On the Wrong Bus :: What I Was Going to Ask
For months now I have had this feeling. This "not myself" feeling. As if I'm walking 5-10 feet beside myself, like I'm in the wrong place every moment of every day. Even if I'm in familiar places with familiar friends and it is what should be a comfortable, happy time. I just feel.... "off".
I realized what it reminds me of.
I'm not sure if this ever happened to you as a child, but once in grade school I got on the wrong bus to go home (the bus number in the morning was different from the afternoon, but I got on the "morning" one after school). That's how I feel now. Like I can see everything passing by me, it's all familiar, but I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be and the path I'm on isn't heading where I want to go... and that I have no control to stop it, I'm just forced to go along for the ride. That's exactly how this all feels, like I am absolutely *not* where I'm supposed to be and *not* going where I was meant to.
The feeling of "this is all wrong" is in *every* single thing I do now. Partly because I do things just to keep myself occupied, so I end up in places that just don't match up with me or what I want from life.. but mostly because even the places where I should feel "right" don't have your hand nearby for me to reach out for.
I'm on the wrong bus.
(Luckily the bus driver understood and took me in her car to my house after she had completed her route.)
And I'll just post here what I had tumbling in my head all day yesterday, long before you reached out last night.
I was driving to GTown to pick up my new plates. The last time I went up that way was the day of M's oral surgery when I asked if you wanted me to be there, when it seemed like we were going to move forward and you were to let me be there for you in ways like that which you had been needing (but I had been failing to do).
Driving that way again reminded me of that day and how much better I felt thinking "Okay, she needs more from me and I'm going to give it to her and she's going to let me and we're strong and this will all be okay, we will get through this". But it was during Fuzzface's vet appt so I had to miss it (but offered to reschedule it if you wanted me to... you seemed so happy with the offer and I liked getting the update on how she was doing after).
So that, coupled with the weird dream I had about T the other night had me missing him very much. I was going to ask you, knowing you wouldn't even consider it, but I was going to ask anyway just to show you that I'm still here and these things are still very much on my mind...
If you would let me see T... I'd love to just have a burger with him at Mighty F.
And no, this isn't some manipulative ploy about us and you don't even have to be there (beyond dropping off)... although if you wanted to sit away from us nearby but out of sight I would understand (for comfort/trust reasons on your part that I totally get). I just want to see him and hang out with him and realized... shit... it's been 4 months... he's going to be bigger than when I saw him last... Jesus, am I seriously thinking "They grow up so fast!" about your kids now??!?!
And I don't want to talk to him about you and I or any crap like that. I just want to hang out with my little buddy. When you ended us, you also ended my relationships with them and I had no say in the matter. So I lost these new little friends I was making.
It's funny, because your concern was that I wouldn't care (or that I wouldn't care *enough* or quickly enough)... only I ended up spending enough time with them that I *did* start to care... but then once you got me caring, you ended us, and now I don't get to spend *any* time with them, so naturally I miss them... him especially.
Then after our talk about K yesterday I thought, if you did, by some amazing chance, agree to this somehow, that maybe K should be involved as well. Anything to not make him feel bad or to help him with whatever he is coping with.So maybe it would be better to take them both.
I'd like to see them all eventually, but I think just seeing one or two at a time would be easier (not for me, not in a "chaos" way, I can handle that) but for each of them to have my attention so that they can tell me what is going on with them and school and their friends and what video games they've been playing, etc. So they get my undivided focus.
And I totally understand if you think this would be emotionally confusing or "damaging" for them. I get that I'm looking at this from an adult standpoint and so I don't understand how kids see these things or how it might cause them confusion of difficulty. So if it's a bad idea, it's a bad idea... at least I asked.
But I just wanted you to know that it's something I would like... and if they would like it and if it would maybe make things easier on you with all you've got going right now, well then the offer is right here, you just have to text/call me and tell me when and I'll be there.
I'd love to take him (or them) for a burger some evening/weekend.
I realized what it reminds me of.
I'm not sure if this ever happened to you as a child, but once in grade school I got on the wrong bus to go home (the bus number in the morning was different from the afternoon, but I got on the "morning" one after school). That's how I feel now. Like I can see everything passing by me, it's all familiar, but I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be and the path I'm on isn't heading where I want to go... and that I have no control to stop it, I'm just forced to go along for the ride. That's exactly how this all feels, like I am absolutely *not* where I'm supposed to be and *not* going where I was meant to.
The feeling of "this is all wrong" is in *every* single thing I do now. Partly because I do things just to keep myself occupied, so I end up in places that just don't match up with me or what I want from life.. but mostly because even the places where I should feel "right" don't have your hand nearby for me to reach out for.
I'm on the wrong bus.
(Luckily the bus driver understood and took me in her car to my house after she had completed her route.)
And I'll just post here what I had tumbling in my head all day yesterday, long before you reached out last night.
I was driving to GTown to pick up my new plates. The last time I went up that way was the day of M's oral surgery when I asked if you wanted me to be there, when it seemed like we were going to move forward and you were to let me be there for you in ways like that which you had been needing (but I had been failing to do).
Driving that way again reminded me of that day and how much better I felt thinking "Okay, she needs more from me and I'm going to give it to her and she's going to let me and we're strong and this will all be okay, we will get through this". But it was during Fuzzface's vet appt so I had to miss it (but offered to reschedule it if you wanted me to... you seemed so happy with the offer and I liked getting the update on how she was doing after).
So that, coupled with the weird dream I had about T the other night had me missing him very much. I was going to ask you, knowing you wouldn't even consider it, but I was going to ask anyway just to show you that I'm still here and these things are still very much on my mind...
If you would let me see T... I'd love to just have a burger with him at Mighty F.
And no, this isn't some manipulative ploy about us and you don't even have to be there (beyond dropping off)... although if you wanted to sit away from us nearby but out of sight I would understand (for comfort/trust reasons on your part that I totally get). I just want to see him and hang out with him and realized... shit... it's been 4 months... he's going to be bigger than when I saw him last... Jesus, am I seriously thinking "They grow up so fast!" about your kids now??!?!
And I don't want to talk to him about you and I or any crap like that. I just want to hang out with my little buddy. When you ended us, you also ended my relationships with them and I had no say in the matter. So I lost these new little friends I was making.
It's funny, because your concern was that I wouldn't care (or that I wouldn't care *enough* or quickly enough)... only I ended up spending enough time with them that I *did* start to care... but then once you got me caring, you ended us, and now I don't get to spend *any* time with them, so naturally I miss them... him especially.
Then after our talk about K yesterday I thought, if you did, by some amazing chance, agree to this somehow, that maybe K should be involved as well. Anything to not make him feel bad or to help him with whatever he is coping with.So maybe it would be better to take them both.
I'd like to see them all eventually, but I think just seeing one or two at a time would be easier (not for me, not in a "chaos" way, I can handle that) but for each of them to have my attention so that they can tell me what is going on with them and school and their friends and what video games they've been playing, etc. So they get my undivided focus.
And I totally understand if you think this would be emotionally confusing or "damaging" for them. I get that I'm looking at this from an adult standpoint and so I don't understand how kids see these things or how it might cause them confusion of difficulty. So if it's a bad idea, it's a bad idea... at least I asked.
But I just wanted you to know that it's something I would like... and if they would like it and if it would maybe make things easier on you with all you've got going right now, well then the offer is right here, you just have to text/call me and tell me when and I'll be there.
I'd love to take him (or them) for a burger some evening/weekend.
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