Letters to My Wife

That's a confusing title... and hopefully you'll never know what it means...  but maybe you will one day, I can't say how things are going to play out. I will only say this... I'm done here... this time for real. You come here either to massage your ego with how much I'm still destroyed over you and how in love with you I still am... or waiting for me to say "Everything is okay" so that you can no longer feel guilty about how you treated me, how you lied to me for months and how you handled things in the end. Although, honestly, I don't think you have any guilt at all.. you sure as fuck haven't shown any. Well, things are not okay...and it isn't every going to be okay for me. Not for a long long long fucking time... if ever at all. This has been possibly the worst 7 months of my life... and one of the darkest periods I've ever endured. But every time I write here I break rule #1 with my therapist, which is to have no contact with ...

Just because you're happy sucking some other guy's dick doesn't mean everything is all peachy for everyone. I still have to take drugs every day just to keep myself from getting so depressed that I put a bullet through my head. You will never understand just how much destruction you've left behind you. My life is completely fucked. So just because you ended up in a good place, quit thinking everything is okay. It's not. For me it's all still complete shit. When you first told me... just 8 weeks after we were supposed to wed "I'm seeing someone, I wish you all the best!". Are you fucking kidding me with that "everything is great!" chipper bullshit?!?!??! When are you going to fucking understand just how much damage and pain you have caused? Like... right now... this very moment... what does our relationship cost you? And I don't just mean financially... i mean emotionally, psychologically... fucking NOTHING. Yet I s...

My Birthday: Sat alone in the house. Thanksgiving: Sat alone in the house. Christmas: Sat alone in the house. New Year's: Sat alone in the house. Valentine's: Sat alone in the house. "Our house..."our".... fucking bullshit. I've now been in "our" house longer than you lived here with me. You're a fucking coward. You're a fucking liar. Hope you're having a wonderful time fucking whatever random dude you're fucking now. And I say random since you could have only known him a short time when you started fucking him soon after we were supposed to marry. Although I get the feeling that whomever you're fucking now isn't the same random dude you were fucking right after you broke it off. Which means you're already on to yet another random dude. What a whore. And if it isn't some "random" dude.. if it's someone you knew when we were together... well then that makes you a lying, cheating fucking whor...

Yesterday was Ex-NFL's birthday. His bitch wife was up his ass the entire time, snipping at him when he did little unimportant things that irritated her. Again, I think to myself... we were never like that. We were never *going* to be like that.. yet those two fuckers are *still* together and we're not. Makes no fucking sense to me... and is such a waste. And when she's not around his old antics continue... although with the way she acts I can't blame him. He often talks of divorce... then a few days later he's back to "things are getting better!"... so clearly he got her to lay him and so he forgets his misery for a few days. We were out with two attractive female friends of mine last week, one of whom, like him, is unhappily married. At some point they were dancing and grinding on each other. It's clear he'd like to fuck her if he had the chance. And, again, it pisses me off and makes me think how shitty that is. That people are in these sh...

(It seems like you don't come here anymore.. which means I can go back to writing here for the reasons I started... and even if you do come here, nothing I have to say now is going to stroke your ego, you fucking ungrateful, using cunt). When you didn't like that your husband was spending time with his friends in Vegas instead of with you... rather than telling him you instead cheated on him by paying a whore masseur to rub you off until you came. Nice passive-aggressive, cowardly bullshit on your part. That's the kind of person you are. You went and fucked around on your husband because you didn't have the guts to just say what you were feeling. That is some underhanded, duplicitous, scumbag behavior right there. Say what you want about me... but I never fucked around on anyone I was with... and I never broke any marriage vows. If the shit I've been dealing with from you over the last year is what [Longhorn Fan] dealt with for years then no wonder he fucke...

I used to have a fantastic life. Now I can't be done with it soon enough. How does it feel to know I'd be happier right now if you never existed at all? How does it feel to know my life would be better off today if you had never been born? I sure hope you're smiling and laughing and having a great time fucking whomever the random cocksucker is that you're fucking now, because you fucked me over so completely and my life is now total shit. Last time I had a shit birthday was 5 years ago. Funny thing that... This year I get to spend $11K on taxes for a house that was bought just to meet the responsibilities that came with you and another man's kids... but hey, I never did anything for you and I'm selfish, right? And I'm repaid for all of this by you fucking another guy. Or hell, maybe "guys" at this point. Thanks so much.

I think I've said all I have to say... most things I've said multiple times and you clearly don't give a shit, so I think that's enough. I made a mistake in an emotional moment when I pointed you here, I should have just sent screenshots. Now this is no longer a place where I can come "scream into the void" and get things off of my chest. Once I opened it up to you it became a method of (unrequited) direct communication that now just leaves me even more depressed. I failed to see what a bad position I was putting myself in... once again at your mercy to treat me like a worthless piece of shit. I've come here numerous times and laid out all that I have to offer... each time getting nothing but silence from you. And each time it now only serves to make me feel bad about myself (while, I'm sure, making you feel great about yourself). I can't deal with that any more. I think I understand why you come here... it strokes your ego massively. I'...

(Hold on tight.. this one is angry as fuck) So I talked to someone about the house... They estimate I can sell it right now for 370-380. So let's start there... That means I'm already losing 30K-40K form what we I paid. Plus the realtor's fees on the sale at that level would be around 22K. So now I'm out around 50K-60K. I pulled the numbers and I've put about 12K into making the house our "home" over the last year... The shed, garage door openers, the door hardware, indoor and outdoor blinds, the electrical work, fans, cabinet hardware and soft close hinges, the shelves I built in the bathrooms and things I've done to upgrade the garage. So all totaled, if I were to try to sell now I'd be out somewhere around 62K-72K . Almost 2 years of your fucking salary, just gone from my savings and into the wind. All because I trusted you. Fuck. And that's what fucking pisses me off. I saw this coming when you decided to end this. What I ...

I actually don't sit around counting the days, but I figure it'll be a while before I don't notice "the 26th" of any month... and I'm sure when July 26th rolls around for years I'll think "shit... this would have been our anniversary". And I'll always be reminded of July 5th every time the 4th rolls around and that horrible fucking text/phone call comes painfully to mind. Just a big pile of fucking hurtful memories all through the summer for some time, I guess. I did have a big planned speech about how you said "I need some time for myself, some time on my own" when I was helping you pack up and move out of my life... yet, here you are, with some other dude just a couple of months after you were supposed to devote yourself to me for life. Sure didn't take you long to "find yourself". Like it was ever about that. Liar. And I don't know your exact situation... but I'm assuming you don't have full custody ...

I've gotten pretty good at not thinking about you all day, every day now. Keeping myself busy helps... the drugs probably do too... and I'm sure time is another factor... but Jesus, is it taking forever to make even the smallest progress. So I don't need my own mind fucking with me in dreams again. After the insane weekend... 4 days at F1, then the gala Friday night and a friend's bachelorette party on Saturday (yes, I said bachelor ette ... I wore the tiara, played the games, all of it) I was completely worn out. The long hours were a big part, but the constant drinking was probably bigger. So on Monday I was dragging and needed an afternoon nap. I woke from it having just been with you. All I remembered was that we were laying somewhere... like on the couch, but it seemed more like outside... on a hammock maybe. I just remember that our bare legs were intertwined and I could feel the softness of your smooth skin on mine. I woke with that vivid feeling/image drif...

Funny... those are the words texted to me just a few minutes ago from a new friend of mine. The exact words that I always told you I needed to hear from you to get me to step back from the edge of some ugly shit I was about to dive into. But you never did. She has only known me a few weeks and yet she has been there for me more than you were for the last year. And no, I have no romantic interest in her... why? Because I'm fucking in love with you, so no one else holds a candle. Yet I hear from her constantly... she checks in on how I am. You couldn't be bothered to see how I was doing even once. Even when I'm having to dive back into therapy and medication. So happy that you found it so easy to start fucking someone else just over 2 months after we were supposed to wed. That says so much about who you are as a person and how much you were lying to me for... fuck, who knows how long. And therein lies why she said "Don't do it!"... Just now home after...

I don't know if this will be the last, but there isn't much point in saying anything else. It would all just be waves and waves of anger akin to what I'm feeling at this moment. You just needlessly, callously informed me that you're already seeing someone else. Wow. That sure didn't take long. 3 Months from saying you would spend the rest of your life with me to swallowing some other random dude's come. Nice. I really don't understand why you would tell me that. Jesus, how fucking heartless and insensitive are you? Do you really think I fucking needed to know that? I swear you're not even close to the person I thought you were all this time. It was always a cute joke when we would say it during our time together, but now... seriously "I don't even know you any more". I hope it felt good to hurt me like that. All throughout this people have been asking if there was someone else and I told them "Nah, no way"... but the...

When exactly did you know you might not go through with the wedding? When I was standing there in that ridiculous blue suit in the store, did you already know you might bail out? What about when I was making the wedding hotel/flight plans? Did you already know then? How long were you lying to me? Did you ever pass on my invitation to do things with you and kids to them? What about when I offered to take any one of them to a breakfast? Did you show Kyle the picture of the LF I got for him? Or did you just keep it all to yourself, essentially deciding for all 6 of us that we weren't going to spend time together ever again? What did you do with my wedding ring? Did you return it or do you still have it? Was it just too much hassle to return or is there some little part of you that still might want to see it on my finger one day? (as of now I still have both of yours) Do the kids know that I have never stopped offering to work this out? Do they know that this didn...

That was always our cute little "call and response". "I love you." from me. "I love you more!" from you. Bullshit. You're a fucking liar. I've had almost 2 months to think about this, having it endlessly swirling in my head day and night. Unable to sleep on nights just like this (after 5am now) with my thoughts nothing but unending conversations with you. At first it was all pleading; begging you to just let us try to find our way through the mess that this has turned into. Now it's usually just arguments; the anger builds more each day. The more you ignore any contact I make with you (and not some annoying pleading either... even when I am only letting you know you have some mail here, you ignore me as if I'm suddenly an enemy) the more angry I become. And that gets me thinking... both about the "love you | love you more" exchanges and the big picture of the last 4 and a half years. It's easy to say that I believe ...

It's now been over a month since you broke the news. I can't help but to think... if you hadn't been adamant that we were over before you even gave me an opportunity to fix things... If you had only told me you were unhappy and things needed to improve... and given me a chance to do so... by now, things would already be better. Even if we decided to postpone the wedding until you were sure things were heading in the direction you needed... we would now have wonderful memories of starlit beaches, making love in paradise, smiles across the table, holding hands with our feet in the sand... we would both be happier... and your children would be happier. That could have started by now, could have been well on its way... instead the last month has been the purest, uncut form of misery... at least for one of us... I'll assume you aren't happy either, but at this point I don't know what to think. To me that idea is fucking ludicrous. The things you needed to change ...

I asked myself a question (because I'm unable to ask you): Do you even miss me at all? I thought about the last 6 weeks. In that time I've reached out to you repeatedly, but you only reached out to me early on... and then it was only regarding when you could get your things. Your only concern seemed to be how quickly you could exorcise yourself from our life, how quickly you could put me in the rear-view mirror, how quickly you could forget me, forget that our life together ever existed at all. My days are bleak, colorless. I kill time... only I have no idea to what end. I'm not sure what it is that I am burning hours of my life to get to. I'm like a child trying to quickly pass the days until Christmas arrives... only there is no Christmas waiting in my scenario. Just an unending stream of identical days with no purpose. I also wonder if you're happier now than you were 6 weeks ago. I'm not. I can't imagine that you are. And yet, I very much can imag...