The Difference a Month Could Have Made
It's now been over a month since you broke the news. I can't help but to think... if you hadn't been adamant that we were over before you even gave me an opportunity to fix things... If you had only told me you were unhappy and things needed to improve... and given me a chance to do so... by now, things would already be better.
Even if we decided to postpone the wedding until you were sure things were heading in the direction you needed... we would now have wonderful memories of starlit beaches, making love in paradise, smiles across the table, holding hands with our feet in the sand... we would both be happier... and your children would be happier. That could have started by now, could have been well on its way... instead the last month has been the purest, uncut form of misery... at least for one of us... I'll assume you aren't happy either, but at this point I don't know what to think.
To me that idea is fucking ludicrous. The things you needed to change could ALREADY FUCKING BE CHANGING in the time we've instead been suffering and you dismantled what we put so much effort into building. But here we are... not with a month of growth and happiness behind us, but with nothing but destruction behind us, misery in the interim and nothing but a bleak outlook of pure fucking pain ahead. Great job, sweetie. Fucking FUCK.
Tonight I dined with a beautiful woman... long dark hair, wind swept under the stars above the open top of the Ferrari. Just a friend. I wish I could see her (or anyone) differently, but it's just not there. That's a good thing. It's what I need right now. I have nothing to offer anyone beyond that because it all still belongs to you. I think it will for years. I don't want to give my body away, but I will grow weak and eventually I will. Waste it on someone who isn't you. On something that is less than what we shared. But I don't know that my heart will ever belong to another. Yes, yes, that's an adolescent teen angst thing to say... but fuck everyone... I'm 50, at some point I should be given the credit to know what I'm talking about when it comes to my own feelings and I know I'll never have anything close to this again. Anyone who thinks otherwise has never had it as good as we did so they're naive and should just shut their fucking unknowing mouths.
It took 45 years to find you, I doubt I have time to find your like a second time. And I know me... just like the house, the car, the music, the cat, the woman I proposed to... I never settle. Once I find what I want, everything else pales and/or disappears. There's no one out here for me now. Yes, there are plenty of others and I'm sure I can find something to distract me from the fact that I'll never have what I really want... but when I'm alone at night, wide awake with someone sleeping next me, I know I will always miss us. Anything else is just going to be a placeholder... I'll never be in all the way like I was in us. That part will either stay sealed up waiting for you... or more likely it will just die entirely, being replaced with nothing but bitterness and anger.
Or maybe I won't deal with it at all. I've already played all my cards, burned all of my bridges... there's not really anything left. I had what I wanted and now I don't. I have a plan... I'm just waiting for the right push... and I can feel it coming. Some little thing that will make me say "Okay, you win. Enough. I'm out."
Tonight could have been so very different. Such happiness pissed away on your irrational whims.
I love you...
...and I fucking hate you.
Even if we decided to postpone the wedding until you were sure things were heading in the direction you needed... we would now have wonderful memories of starlit beaches, making love in paradise, smiles across the table, holding hands with our feet in the sand... we would both be happier... and your children would be happier. That could have started by now, could have been well on its way... instead the last month has been the purest, uncut form of misery... at least for one of us... I'll assume you aren't happy either, but at this point I don't know what to think.
To me that idea is fucking ludicrous. The things you needed to change could ALREADY FUCKING BE CHANGING in the time we've instead been suffering and you dismantled what we put so much effort into building. But here we are... not with a month of growth and happiness behind us, but with nothing but destruction behind us, misery in the interim and nothing but a bleak outlook of pure fucking pain ahead. Great job, sweetie. Fucking FUCK.
Tonight I dined with a beautiful woman... long dark hair, wind swept under the stars above the open top of the Ferrari. Just a friend. I wish I could see her (or anyone) differently, but it's just not there. That's a good thing. It's what I need right now. I have nothing to offer anyone beyond that because it all still belongs to you. I think it will for years. I don't want to give my body away, but I will grow weak and eventually I will. Waste it on someone who isn't you. On something that is less than what we shared. But I don't know that my heart will ever belong to another. Yes, yes, that's an adolescent teen angst thing to say... but fuck everyone... I'm 50, at some point I should be given the credit to know what I'm talking about when it comes to my own feelings and I know I'll never have anything close to this again. Anyone who thinks otherwise has never had it as good as we did so they're naive and should just shut their fucking unknowing mouths.
It took 45 years to find you, I doubt I have time to find your like a second time. And I know me... just like the house, the car, the music, the cat, the woman I proposed to... I never settle. Once I find what I want, everything else pales and/or disappears. There's no one out here for me now. Yes, there are plenty of others and I'm sure I can find something to distract me from the fact that I'll never have what I really want... but when I'm alone at night, wide awake with someone sleeping next me, I know I will always miss us. Anything else is just going to be a placeholder... I'll never be in all the way like I was in us. That part will either stay sealed up waiting for you... or more likely it will just die entirely, being replaced with nothing but bitterness and anger.
Or maybe I won't deal with it at all. I've already played all my cards, burned all of my bridges... there's not really anything left. I had what I wanted and now I don't. I have a plan... I'm just waiting for the right push... and I can feel it coming. Some little thing that will make me say "Okay, you win. Enough. I'm out."
Tonight could have been so very different. Such happiness pissed away on your irrational whims.
I love you...
...and I fucking hate you.
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