Letters to My Wife

Something I've thought about many times over the last 6 months is how the pain of all this doesn't add up. I get that you weren't as happy as I wanted you to be, not as happy as I was... and I get that the kids weren't as happy as you (and I) wanted them to be. But this... This is a shitshow. There's no way that the happiness you have now (whatever that may be) and that they have now comes anywhere near the happiness that we had. And there is no way the unhappiness you and they felt comes anywhere *near* the complete misery I have felt for 6 months now (and it's clearly nowhere near over yet). These have been very very very dark days... probably the second-worst period of my entire life. And I just can't believe that the sadness you felt comes anywhere near the pain I've had to endure. The struggle I've had to make (even with help from friends, therapists and drugs) just to survive each day. You weren't as in as much pain as I have ...

Today is a perfect representation of what life is like (for me) now. Cold, colorless and gray. When I think of you now (which is still every. single. day.  ...I miss you and the kids just the same, even after all of these months)... I always picture you laughing and skipping along, enjoying your new life with whatever random dude you're now fucking. But for me nothing has changed. Every day is a struggle just to get through... trying to find purpose... trying to keep myself occupied and distracted with friends or projects. No point in working on the house now, not since I'm going to leave it as soon as I can do so while losing as little money as possible. Such a waste. That tile in our bathroom that you loved so much. That big patio that we didn't even last long enough to get a grill for or to sit out and enjoy the sunsets on. The girls' bathroom... all of it, made just for our future life... all the plans I was making... all that I was working toward for you an...

These are the songs I don't let myself listen to. But these are the songs that sound like what everything feels like now. This one is the saddest fucking thing in the entire fucking world: "I loved the way you looked at me... the way you made me feel... when we were alone." "The best I've felt in my whole life is when I was in your hands..." I shared this one early on, but don't know if you listened to it. "I want you and not somebody else..." "Get away from me, darling... I'll get high hopes Do I keep my head high or keep my head low?" I may have to change my previous statement. I think this one may be the saddest fucking thing in the entire universe. Some stupid fuck I once knew actually said he always thought of this as a happy song. You have to be epically fucking dense to think anything about this is happy. And never in a million years did I think we would end up here, end up like the couple i...

I think I've said all I have to say... most things I've said multiple times and you clearly don't give a shit, so I think that's enough. I made a mistake in an emotional moment when I pointed you here, I should have just sent screenshots. Now this is no longer a place where I can come "scream into the void" and get things off of my chest. Once I opened it up to you it became a method of (unrequited) direct communication that now just leaves me even more depressed. I failed to see what a bad position I was putting myself in... once again at your mercy to treat me like a worthless piece of shit. I've come here numerous times and laid out all that I have to offer... each time getting nothing but silence from you. And each time it now only serves to make me feel bad about myself (while, I'm sure, making you feel great about yourself). I can't deal with that any more. I think I understand why you come here... it strokes your ego massively. I'...

I'm in Dallas. It was a mistake. My plan is to not come up for Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas this year. I just want to skip the holidays all together. But Eva convinced me to come up and meet some of her friends, to get out of Austin for a weekend and clear my head. Since I'm still in my "say yes to everything" period I decided it would be a good excuse to see the parents and K & D since I'm not coming up again this year. I Didn't really expect it to hit me the way it did. I didn't realize that I haven't made this trip solo in 5 years and I was only in this house one time without you (the holidays right when you and I had started dating). The trip up (and being in this house)... just a *massive*, painful wave of memories of us. I had to stop for gas/bathroom on the way here and immediately remembered it was a place we had stopped at when you desperately needed a restroom once. Memories of stopping for kolaches when I went through W...

That's worth repeating this morning.

The more time I spend and the more people I meet and the more things I do with them the more I realize (what I already knew would be the case)... nothing is ever going to be as good as it was with us. I really hope you're having a great time (that's sarcasm, BTW), because I'm not. Nothing but disappointments at every turn.

I hate how we never do well now when we aren't talking face to face. So much emotion in it over stupid ass texts and not much better with phone calls. That's precisely why I wanted to go to counseling. I fucking loved you and would do anything for you, so I wanted you to feel like you were in a place where you could say what you needed to as you clearly had gotten to some place (due to my actions, I can own that) where you didn't feel you could. You were wrong... I loved you and would listen to anything you had to say and would have tried to give you what you needed if you told me how important it was or how much you were hurting. That keeps me up at night. But if you needed a safe place with a third party there I wanted to give you that... I wanted to give you anything required for you to just be able to tell me what you needed and to let me try. I hate how completely fucking trashed this beautiful relationship ended up.. and so god damned quickly (seemingly, to me) this...

There's a "new guy" in our little FCA core group (Me, [ex-NFL], [Normal Guy]... and now, Richard). He's a fantastic guy. My age, architect (so we have lots to talk about), very cool/fun, just got his car 2 months ago so he's very much like we all were that early on... showing up to every event, rain or shine. He was with us in the suite at F1 and part of our celebratory "owning" of The Domain for dinner. He's one more of these people that I can tell will be part of all the best times coming up. He's already been a part of the best ones at the close of the summer. He doesn't know my (our) story. It's been long enough that I've stopped telling it (immediately, anyway) and there really hasn't been a place to/point of getting into it (yet). But it made me realize. He only knows me like this. Single, (usually) laughing and telling jokes (even when I'm barely holding it together inside... like at the gala), rolling red solo wi...

I've gotten pretty good at not thinking about you all day, every day now. Keeping myself busy helps... the drugs probably do too... and I'm sure time is another factor... but Jesus, is it taking forever to make even the smallest progress. So I don't need my own mind fucking with me in dreams again. After the insane weekend... 4 days at F1, then the gala Friday night and a friend's bachelorette party on Saturday (yes, I said bachelor ette ... I wore the tiara, played the games, all of it) I was completely worn out. The long hours were a big part, but the constant drinking was probably bigger. So on Monday I was dragging and needed an afternoon nap. I woke from it having just been with you. All I remembered was that we were laying somewhere... like on the couch, but it seemed more like outside... on a hammock maybe. I just remember that our bare legs were intertwined and I could feel the softness of your smooth skin on mine. I woke with that vivid feeling/image drif...

"There you stand, so involved somehow... igniting some other lover's flame" "Do you want to knock me down? Well you're doing fine." I actually got to talk to Corey about this song (my favorite of everything he's done). It isn't about exactly what it seems, but the idea is close enough. Feeling the bitterness invade after betrayal. I made a mistake. Not worth going into and I don't know if you still talk to C (if you do I'm sure she'll more than happily fill you in on the details from her end), but I ticked off J when I told them I hoped she didn't have anything to do with you being under the impression that Diane and I were anything other than friends... especially after I told her explicitly that fact months ago and that it hasn't (and will not ever) change. I've never seen him mad like that. I didn't think he was even capable of it, to be honest. It got smoothed over and he said he just misses all of us hanging ...

Today began with 6am trip to Trattoria 360 before meeting Daniel to go to the track. Sat at the table waiting for my order where we sat during so many FCA breakfasts. Felt so... off... so... incomplete... so... wrong. Ferrari Gala tonight. Some other woman (friend) going in your stead. Trying to be excited about it. Am not at all. Would rather know I'm going to drive you home later after having looked at you from across the room all night, feeling that proud happiness that I always felt wanting to burst forth from me, barely able to contain my love and admiration for you because I knew I was with the most fantastic woman on Earth. You'll be missed by all. Everything about today feels wrong. I love you. I miss you. And I have no idea if any of this matters to you. The idea of you being in another's arms feels so... unreal. Somewhere this all went wrong... and it all still feels wrong. So wrong. (P.S. I see that someone is reading this... I have no id...

F1 weekend. In an effort to breathe life back into my life, I've started saying "Yes" to every invite I'm given. Daniel had an extra ticket to F1 (nice main grandstand spot this time) so I said "Yes" and bought it from him. Part of the ticket is a pre-race walk on the track and seeing the teams setting up in the garages, etc. That was today. We figured we'd see some FCA people there. Sure enough. Ron... not sure if  you remember him, but if you saw him you would. He had the "ROMAN" plate and always blasted Italian opera out of his car at the Hangar. He walked up... "Hey [J]! Where's your wife?" I sort of stopped dead a bit, not sure how to answer. "Oh, is she not with you... too cold today" "uhhh... no, she's not... " "Not with you?" "Yeah... not... not *with* me" He could tell by my reaction there was more to it. "Wait... do you mean not 'with you' with you?...

I'm in love with this song... been listening to it for days on repeat... Only I can't for the life of me figure out the second line... I'm pretty sure the first one is "I just don't love you" (don't love you... don't love you... don't love you... don't love you) But I cannot for the life of me figure out the second one... "There's no more way to... ???" "There's only one way to.. ???" "There's no other way to... ???" Or I could have it all completely wrong and am just hearing what I want to... But my first thought: "[Most Beautiful] would be able to tell what they are saying, she always could... and she remembers every lyric ever". Dammit, [Most Beautiful]. God damn if little things like this that I adored about you make me miss the living hell out of everything about you. I hate it. So angry... So sad... So in love... So trying not to be any of that. EDIT: An...

Every day I struggle to keep the images out of my head. The drugs help, but not completely. All of the things that made me happy now belong to someone else. All of the horrible emotions that I never had to feel during our time together (and would never have to feel again once you were my wife) are now constant and unrelenting. Jealousy, envy, hatred, rage, despair... And all I can do is see you smiling, laughing and enjoying all the pleasures of life... sharing them, sharing yourself... with some random asshole. Some dude, fucking my wife. And my wife, loving every second of it. Torture. At first I was ashamed that this is the crux of my jealousy. Of all the things in life, why is it only the sex that bothers me? It seems superficial and juvenile. But then I realized... the reason is simple... Because that's the ONLY THING we didn't share with anyone else. You would sometimes go to dinner with other people (without me) or to the movies... you would even spend the night ...

I was going to give you everything... ...but you didn't want me

Happy Relationships - Since I had one of those, likely better than any I see around me, but no longer have it in my life... and may never have one that compares to it again... pretty much for certain never *that* happy again. Unhappy Relationships - Since that's what I'll have to deal with moving forward. Anything Teaching Related - When people talk about teachers or I read things about the education system I just think of you and how much I liked being involved in that part of your life. I hate not knowing anything about your class this year. I hate that I didn't get to do the welcome walk with you. Beautiful Women - Since I no longer have one of those in my life. And the odds of finding anyone as attractive as I found you are pretty fucking slim. Unattractive Women -  Since that's probably who I now have to "settle" for when/if I get around to being in a relationship again. Engagement Rings - No explanation necessary. Yours is still sitting here. I...

I'm slowly... very, very slowly... getting my thoughts under control. I have conversations/arguments in my head with you less frequently and each day I torture myself less and less with the memories of us and the thoughts of future memories that will never be. But the one thing I can't control are the dreams. The fucking dreams. Over the last few months I would sometimes have one where we were talking, working things out, or we were right back where we used to be... happy... well, *I* was happy anyway, I still have no idea where your lying self was in all of this. But for two nights in a row now I've had dreams where we were together again. You were right in front of me and I was able to reach out and hold you. I got to see you smile. I got to hear your voice. I got to tell you things. The dynamic was still tense, but at least you were near and you were smiling as we talked about how to fix things. Last night you were here with just the girls (not sure why it was ...

When exactly did you know you might not go through with the wedding? When I was standing there in that ridiculous blue suit in the store, did you already know you might bail out? What about when I was making the wedding hotel/flight plans? Did you already know then? How long were you lying to me? Did you ever pass on my invitation to do things with you and kids to them? What about when I offered to take any one of them to a breakfast? Did you show Kyle the picture of the LF I got for him? Or did you just keep it all to yourself, essentially deciding for all 6 of us that we weren't going to spend time together ever again? What did you do with my wedding ring? Did you return it or do you still have it? Was it just too much hassle to return or is there some little part of you that still might want to see it on my finger one day? (as of now I still have both of yours) Do the kids know that I have never stopped offering to work this out? Do they know that this didn...