The Dreams That Now Haunt Me

I'm slowly... very, very slowly... getting my thoughts under control. I have conversations/arguments in my head with you less frequently and each day I torture myself less and less with the memories of us and the thoughts of future memories that will never be.

But the one thing I can't control are the dreams.

The fucking dreams.

Over the last few months I would sometimes have one where we were talking, working things out, or we were right back where we used to be... happy... well, *I* was happy anyway, I still have no idea where your lying self was in all of this.

But for two nights in a row now I've had dreams where we were together again. You were right in front of me and I was able to reach out and hold you. I got to see you smile. I got to hear your voice. I got to tell you things. The dynamic was still tense, but at least you were near and you were smiling as we talked about how to fix things.

Last night you were here with just the girls (not sure why it was only them with you)... you were all going to some event and needed to do hair, makeup and get dressed. I remember hugging H, kissing the top of her head and telling her how happy I was to see her again.

And then I was with you. You showered and started to get dressed and I was so happy that you were back in the bathroom that was essentially "yours". The tile you picked out, the shower built just to show you off.

I was so happy.

And then I woke up.

As always... it took a few moments for reality to set back in. To realize that there is no reconciliation. With each passing day we grow farther and farther apart.

"God dammit" I spoke aloud.

I don't need my own mind torturing me.