You'll Never Know Richard :: Richard Will Never Know You
There's a "new guy" in our little FCA core group (Me, [ex-NFL], [Normal Guy]... and now, Richard).
He's a fantastic guy. My age, architect (so we have lots to talk about), very cool/fun, just got his car 2 months ago so he's very much like we all were that early on... showing up to every event, rain or shine.
He was with us in the suite at F1 and part of our celebratory "owning" of The Domain for dinner. He's one more of these people that I can tell will be part of all the best times coming up. He's already been a part of the best ones at the close of the summer.
He doesn't know my (our) story. It's been long enough that I've stopped telling it (immediately, anyway) and there really hasn't been a place to/point of getting into it (yet). But it made me realize. He only knows me like this. Single, (usually) laughing and telling jokes (even when I'm barely holding it together inside... like at the gala), rolling red solo with an empty passenger seat to the fun things we've been up to, getting "lost" in SA because I didn't have my flawless navigator.
He has no idea that just beyond his coming into our world I had this amazing woman by my side who was my everything, who was as a part of this entire "red car" experience as all of us, who was to be by my side forever, just like his wife has been for 30 years.
It just suddenly made me sad to realize how, as time passes, it will slowly be (for some people) as if you never existed at all. They'll never know you, never know "us" and you'll never know them, never share in the inside jokes (like how I refused to believe his "wife" was real because she kept mysteriously not showing up at expected events, and when she did we grilled him/her to ensure she wasn't just a paid escort).
Not sure what the point of this one is... just that life is moving on without you, I guess.
And I fucking hate that.
I don't want there to be things that you are not a part of, people who will never know you (us). It's one thing when it's something new... but it just feels "off" when aspects of life that you were very much a part of no longer contain you.
I remember when I would start dating someone new there was always this comforting feeling when my friends would meet them because then that person became "more real". They weren't just someone in my life, they were now manifest in other people's thoughts, memories and emotions as well. It felt like a step in their permanence.
I guess this feels exactly the opposite of that. Like your fading away is becoming more indelible.
That makes me so fucking sad.
And I still have no idea how you put me and us behind you so quickly. I still just can't imagine being anywhere near emotionally ready to give anyone else enough to forge something new... not of any substance anyway... not enough to say "I'm seeing someone" like you did. Must be nice to just turn it off and move on so easily... although.. no, fuck that... I'll stick with me being me... feeling it deeply and feeling it for real. No matter what, at least I still have integrity, at least I did what I said I would do, at least I was still offering what I had promised all along. At least I could be counted on...and even if I failed, I could be counted on to keep trying.
I guess I just bet on the wrong horse.
It really makes me think very bad things about you. But clearly I was just making you out to be someone you weren't all along.
He's a fantastic guy. My age, architect (so we have lots to talk about), very cool/fun, just got his car 2 months ago so he's very much like we all were that early on... showing up to every event, rain or shine.
He was with us in the suite at F1 and part of our celebratory "owning" of The Domain for dinner. He's one more of these people that I can tell will be part of all the best times coming up. He's already been a part of the best ones at the close of the summer.
He doesn't know my (our) story. It's been long enough that I've stopped telling it (immediately, anyway) and there really hasn't been a place to/point of getting into it (yet). But it made me realize. He only knows me like this. Single, (usually) laughing and telling jokes (even when I'm barely holding it together inside... like at the gala), rolling red solo with an empty passenger seat to the fun things we've been up to, getting "lost" in SA because I didn't have my flawless navigator.
He has no idea that just beyond his coming into our world I had this amazing woman by my side who was my everything, who was as a part of this entire "red car" experience as all of us, who was to be by my side forever, just like his wife has been for 30 years.
It just suddenly made me sad to realize how, as time passes, it will slowly be (for some people) as if you never existed at all. They'll never know you, never know "us" and you'll never know them, never share in the inside jokes (like how I refused to believe his "wife" was real because she kept mysteriously not showing up at expected events, and when she did we grilled him/her to ensure she wasn't just a paid escort).
Not sure what the point of this one is... just that life is moving on without you, I guess.
And I fucking hate that.
I don't want there to be things that you are not a part of, people who will never know you (us). It's one thing when it's something new... but it just feels "off" when aspects of life that you were very much a part of no longer contain you.
I remember when I would start dating someone new there was always this comforting feeling when my friends would meet them because then that person became "more real". They weren't just someone in my life, they were now manifest in other people's thoughts, memories and emotions as well. It felt like a step in their permanence.
I guess this feels exactly the opposite of that. Like your fading away is becoming more indelible.
That makes me so fucking sad.
And I still have no idea how you put me and us behind you so quickly. I still just can't imagine being anywhere near emotionally ready to give anyone else enough to forge something new... not of any substance anyway... not enough to say "I'm seeing someone" like you did. Must be nice to just turn it off and move on so easily... although.. no, fuck that... I'll stick with me being me... feeling it deeply and feeling it for real. No matter what, at least I still have integrity, at least I did what I said I would do, at least I was still offering what I had promised all along. At least I could be counted on...and even if I failed, I could be counted on to keep trying.
I guess I just bet on the wrong horse.
It really makes me think very bad things about you. But clearly I was just making you out to be someone you weren't all along.
Comments
Post a Comment