The God Damned Dreams Again :: The Death of Sex

I've gotten pretty good at not thinking about you all day, every day now. Keeping myself busy helps... the drugs probably do too... and I'm sure time is another factor... but Jesus, is it taking forever to make even the smallest progress.

So I don't need my own mind fucking with me in dreams again.

After the insane weekend... 4 days at F1, then the gala Friday night and a friend's bachelorette party on Saturday (yes, I said bachelorette... I wore the tiara, played the games, all of it) I was completely worn out. The long hours were a big part, but the constant drinking was probably bigger.

So on Monday I was dragging and needed an afternoon nap. I woke from it having just been with you. All I remembered was that we were laying somewhere... like on the couch, but it seemed more like outside... on a hammock maybe. I just remember that our bare legs were intertwined and I could feel the softness of your smooth skin on mine. I woke with that vivid feeling/image drifting slowly away and then I spent the rest of the night with that unshakable feeling that I had just seen you.

I do a good job of keeping my mind off of you. I don't need this shit.

And then last night... I don't remember many details other than you had called me. I had no idea why you would be doing that but you started saying you had thought it over and decided that you *did* owe me dinner. Uhhh.. okay... and then in the middle of the call I got another call. I didn't recognize the number so I was like "whatever". Then you got very upset and started crying. I was very confused and even in the dream thought "I don't need this shit, [Most Beautiful]". Apparently it was your new boyfriend calling. He had gotten mad at you about something to do with me and had demanded my number from you. He had even hit you during the fight. You said he was on his way to my house because he was so mad at me about something.

Again... I woke up thinking "I don't need this shit". The whole world feels against me these days, I don't need my own mind against me too.

And that leads into the next thing.

I just don't even think about sex now. I feel like I'm right back to where I was before we met. Where I would sometimes go weeks without really thinking about it. I remember when Joy and I had our weekly friends-with-benefits thing that sometimes Sunday would roll around after a week and I still just wasn't interested. I chalked it up to my age, but then you came along and suddenly I was on fire. Clearly, having you prancing around the house kept my clock wound tightly all the time. Now I'm right back to where I was before. No interest.

I'm sure part of it is that I don't *want* to think about it. I don't want to think about you, because then I just think of all that we had and how you're sharing that with some other fuckface now. That continues to sting worst of all.

So I guess this is how bland life is to be now. Great.

Meanwhile, it's been a few weeks, so I'm sure you're already practically living with the guy, just like you did with me. Feels so great to be so easily replaced... makes me feel very... worthless. And makes everything we supposedly shared feel like one big lie.

Thanks.