That Could Have Gone Better :: Feel The Bitterness Invade
"There you stand, so involved somehow... igniting some other lover's flame"
"Do you want to knock me down? Well you're doing fine."
I actually got to talk to Corey about this song (my favorite of everything he's done). It isn't about exactly what it seems, but the idea is close enough. Feeling the bitterness invade after betrayal.
I made a mistake.
Not worth going into and I don't know if you still talk to C (if you do I'm sure she'll more than happily fill you in on the details from her end), but I ticked off J when I told them I hoped she didn't have anything to do with you being under the impression that Diane and I were anything other than friends... especially after I told her explicitly that fact months ago and that it hasn't (and will not ever) change. I've never seen him mad like that. I didn't think he was even capable of it, to be honest.
It got smoothed over and he said he just misses all of us hanging out like we did... The boat, the parties, the dinners, the Hangar...
Yeah dude, uhh... I miss that too.
F1 weekend came and went. It was pretty epic. Nothing like us rolling in for free that time (or me doing it again solo the next year)...(BTW, Ex-NFL apparently tried that again and was turned away at the gate... guess they got wise) but for a paid experience it was pretty sweet... suite, actually as we got invited to spend Saturday with Dilum in his suite. That was fantastic. And yet...
It's easy to say something felt like it was missing. It feels that way everywhere all the time now. It's slowly fading... but things are never going to be the same.
Even if you and I were still together I'm sure I would have gone solo (my friend only had one extra ticket available and I know you aren't into it enough to justify buying another anyway) but even if I was there alone I wouldn't have felt that "hole" in my life outside of where I'm currently standing at any moment. Just having "us" made everything feel more complete, even when you were miles away... states away even. And yes, I understand it didn't feel that way for you at the end... but you didn't give me a chance to correct that. And I would have.
You actually would have had fun at F1 this year as there were a handful of ladies very much like you, partners of other guys in the suite and it was a fun, conversational afternoon during qualifying day.
And that's where the new wrinkle starts.
I'm now entering the phase where I start to notice other women. And that makes me so bitter... for many, many reasons.
The first, and easy one, is that I'm now alone and it's this huge mountain to climb to try to find anyone even remotely comparing to you.
(The double edge of that being how you seem to have replaced me rather easily... but that's another entire letter for another day).
The second is harder to express and something I don't think most people will understand exactly... not even something I think I can explain adequately to you, even though I tried repeatedly.
The main part of the bitterness is because I'm now moving back to who I was before I was yours. To this "ordinary" person who sees and reacts to beautiful women in a somewhat covetous way. And it isn't the envy that is the core of it... the real heart of it is how it means that something really special was lost. When we were together, no matter how beautiful the woman might have been (and yes, I always noticed how beautiful they all were) I didn't care, because I had the perfect woman for me. In her shape and in her personality. I wanted for nothing. You were as amazing to me as any woman on Earth, be she "ordinary", lovely or a fucking supermodel. They weren't you, so they paled in comparison. Not sure if you ever believed me when I said that, but you should have. And you should now as well.
Someone recently asked me "If you could sleep with anyone on Earth, who would you pick?"... and I said [Most Beautiful]. They were a bit taken aback. I said it before we broke up and I say it still to this day. Not out of some pathetic, heartbroken angst either... but because you were the perfect woman for me. It's no different from always picking my favorite flavor of ice cream when we would go grab it. Yes, I could try something new, something different, but if I've already found what exactly I want, what I already know I love, then why waste my time on anything else?
And now that's gone.
Now I *do* notice these other women. I loved it when I didn't. I loved it when I was so happy, so satisfied, when I felt so lucky. But now I'm just like everyone else, wishing I had something I don't. Only, they wish they had any of these beautiful women they see... whereas I still only want you.
And that leads to the third part of it. And maybe a part that won't matter to you... it seemed like it did when we were together, but you seem pretty fluid so I'm sure you're easily acclimating to things being different with whomever this dude is that's fucking you now.
Seeing these pathetic fucking married men tripping over their own dicks to talk to these beautiful women (who weren't single, BTW, which makes it not only pathetic, but a bit disrespectful, in my opinion). The way they beg for their attention and then tell stories to one another about how "she talked to me!" like giddy schoolboys... only they're not. They are grown me with wives at home. But, given the chance, they would be all over these women in a heartbeat. Again, so pathetic and disrespectful (in my opinion).
And knowing that you would never have had to deal with that in your husband. That no matter where you were and where he was, no matter what other woman was nearby (or anywhere on Earth, for that matter) she would have never held a candle to you. There would never have even been the slightest temptation. Again, what a fucking waste. We could have had it better than all these "ordinary" marriages... with their pathetic "freebie" lists of celebrities in case they meet them and magically get invited to sleep with them. Husbands quietly panting to each other over other women because they no longer give a shit about their wives in that regard.
I don't want to ever be that. I don't want to ever deal with that.
But I find it hard to believe I'll find someone else I feel that way about again.
And, to be clear, this isn't some overly-romanticized version of myself. I *have* been that person in other relationships. In fact, in just about all of them I had that envy and covetous... sometimes it was there from the start, sometimes it came slowly over time. But remember, you and I were the longest relationship of my life and at no point did I ever even flinch one bit. I could feel it in my soul. I've never been as sure of anything in my entire life (which is why I put that ring on your finger... that *MEANT SOMETHING* to me).
But now that's all gone. And the bitterness grows. Because now I can't stand above these weak assholes who want to fuck anyone *other* than the women they vowed to love forever.
And maybe whomever you're with now feels the same way about you that I did, that every other woman pales comparison and you're the perfect one, exactly as you are.
But if he doesn't...
...then it's a fucking shame and a fucking waste of great love.
(P.S. I continue to ponder whether the views on these posts are yours or a third party. It's an answer I don't really want, but I do wonder if it is you, what is the motivation? Are you waiting until they stop so that you know I've finally "gotten over us" and you're free, in the clear, and can shed any potential guilt (if you even have any)? Or are you holding on to some little bit of us, of me? Do you miss me and this is some way to stay connected... as I guess it is for me. Does it stroke your ego to know I continue to pine for you?
My guess is you're just looking out for yourself and gauging where I'm at emotionally as it relates to you and any negative impact it might have on you. I find it hard to believe you care about me or how I feel at all at this point, you sure didn't show it any time during the last 3 months.)
"Do you want to knock me down? Well you're doing fine."
I made a mistake.
Not worth going into and I don't know if you still talk to C (if you do I'm sure she'll more than happily fill you in on the details from her end), but I ticked off J when I told them I hoped she didn't have anything to do with you being under the impression that Diane and I were anything other than friends... especially after I told her explicitly that fact months ago and that it hasn't (and will not ever) change. I've never seen him mad like that. I didn't think he was even capable of it, to be honest.
It got smoothed over and he said he just misses all of us hanging out like we did... The boat, the parties, the dinners, the Hangar...
Yeah dude, uhh... I miss that too.
F1 weekend came and went. It was pretty epic. Nothing like us rolling in for free that time (or me doing it again solo the next year)...(BTW, Ex-NFL apparently tried that again and was turned away at the gate... guess they got wise) but for a paid experience it was pretty sweet... suite, actually as we got invited to spend Saturday with Dilum in his suite. That was fantastic. And yet...
It's easy to say something felt like it was missing. It feels that way everywhere all the time now. It's slowly fading... but things are never going to be the same.
Even if you and I were still together I'm sure I would have gone solo (my friend only had one extra ticket available and I know you aren't into it enough to justify buying another anyway) but even if I was there alone I wouldn't have felt that "hole" in my life outside of where I'm currently standing at any moment. Just having "us" made everything feel more complete, even when you were miles away... states away even. And yes, I understand it didn't feel that way for you at the end... but you didn't give me a chance to correct that. And I would have.
You actually would have had fun at F1 this year as there were a handful of ladies very much like you, partners of other guys in the suite and it was a fun, conversational afternoon during qualifying day.
And that's where the new wrinkle starts.
I'm now entering the phase where I start to notice other women. And that makes me so bitter... for many, many reasons.
The first, and easy one, is that I'm now alone and it's this huge mountain to climb to try to find anyone even remotely comparing to you.
(The double edge of that being how you seem to have replaced me rather easily... but that's another entire letter for another day).
The second is harder to express and something I don't think most people will understand exactly... not even something I think I can explain adequately to you, even though I tried repeatedly.
The main part of the bitterness is because I'm now moving back to who I was before I was yours. To this "ordinary" person who sees and reacts to beautiful women in a somewhat covetous way. And it isn't the envy that is the core of it... the real heart of it is how it means that something really special was lost. When we were together, no matter how beautiful the woman might have been (and yes, I always noticed how beautiful they all were) I didn't care, because I had the perfect woman for me. In her shape and in her personality. I wanted for nothing. You were as amazing to me as any woman on Earth, be she "ordinary", lovely or a fucking supermodel. They weren't you, so they paled in comparison. Not sure if you ever believed me when I said that, but you should have. And you should now as well.
Someone recently asked me "If you could sleep with anyone on Earth, who would you pick?"... and I said [Most Beautiful]. They were a bit taken aback. I said it before we broke up and I say it still to this day. Not out of some pathetic, heartbroken angst either... but because you were the perfect woman for me. It's no different from always picking my favorite flavor of ice cream when we would go grab it. Yes, I could try something new, something different, but if I've already found what exactly I want, what I already know I love, then why waste my time on anything else?
And now that's gone.
Now I *do* notice these other women. I loved it when I didn't. I loved it when I was so happy, so satisfied, when I felt so lucky. But now I'm just like everyone else, wishing I had something I don't. Only, they wish they had any of these beautiful women they see... whereas I still only want you.
And that leads to the third part of it. And maybe a part that won't matter to you... it seemed like it did when we were together, but you seem pretty fluid so I'm sure you're easily acclimating to things being different with whomever this dude is that's fucking you now.
Seeing these pathetic fucking married men tripping over their own dicks to talk to these beautiful women (who weren't single, BTW, which makes it not only pathetic, but a bit disrespectful, in my opinion). The way they beg for their attention and then tell stories to one another about how "she talked to me!" like giddy schoolboys... only they're not. They are grown me with wives at home. But, given the chance, they would be all over these women in a heartbeat. Again, so pathetic and disrespectful (in my opinion).
And knowing that you would never have had to deal with that in your husband. That no matter where you were and where he was, no matter what other woman was nearby (or anywhere on Earth, for that matter) she would have never held a candle to you. There would never have even been the slightest temptation. Again, what a fucking waste. We could have had it better than all these "ordinary" marriages... with their pathetic "freebie" lists of celebrities in case they meet them and magically get invited to sleep with them. Husbands quietly panting to each other over other women because they no longer give a shit about their wives in that regard.
I don't want to ever be that. I don't want to ever deal with that.
But I find it hard to believe I'll find someone else I feel that way about again.
And, to be clear, this isn't some overly-romanticized version of myself. I *have* been that person in other relationships. In fact, in just about all of them I had that envy and covetous... sometimes it was there from the start, sometimes it came slowly over time. But remember, you and I were the longest relationship of my life and at no point did I ever even flinch one bit. I could feel it in my soul. I've never been as sure of anything in my entire life (which is why I put that ring on your finger... that *MEANT SOMETHING* to me).
But now that's all gone. And the bitterness grows. Because now I can't stand above these weak assholes who want to fuck anyone *other* than the women they vowed to love forever.
And maybe whomever you're with now feels the same way about you that I did, that every other woman pales comparison and you're the perfect one, exactly as you are.
But if he doesn't...
...then it's a fucking shame and a fucking waste of great love.
(P.S. I continue to ponder whether the views on these posts are yours or a third party. It's an answer I don't really want, but I do wonder if it is you, what is the motivation? Are you waiting until they stop so that you know I've finally "gotten over us" and you're free, in the clear, and can shed any potential guilt (if you even have any)? Or are you holding on to some little bit of us, of me? Do you miss me and this is some way to stay connected... as I guess it is for me. Does it stroke your ego to know I continue to pine for you?
My guess is you're just looking out for yourself and gauging where I'm at emotionally as it relates to you and any negative impact it might have on you. I find it hard to believe you care about me or how I feel at all at this point, you sure didn't show it any time during the last 3 months.)
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