Well, That Was / This Is Depressing
I'm in Dallas. It was a mistake.
My plan is to not come up for Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas this year. I just want to skip the holidays all together. But Eva convinced me to come up and meet some of her friends, to get out of Austin for a weekend and clear my head. Since I'm still in my "say yes to everything" period I decided it would be a good excuse to see the parents and K & D since I'm not coming up again this year.
I Didn't really expect it to hit me the way it did. I didn't realize that I haven't made this trip solo in 5 years and I was only in this house one time without you (the holidays right when you and I had started dating).
The trip up (and being in this house)... just a *massive*, painful wave of memories of us.
I had to stop for gas/bathroom on the way here and immediately remembered it was a place we had stopped at when you desperately needed a restroom once. Memories of stopping for kolaches when I went through West, etc.
The giraffe statue at the zoo. The "thumpa thumpa thumpa" of the horrible roads that we would laugh about as we drove on Frankford and Coit.
And then in the house itself. My mom's retirement basket is still displayed, with all the things in it that we worked on together.
There are pictures of you still up in this house. Smiling and looking both beautiful and happy. My mom loved you so much, she proudly had you/us displayed on shelves here and there. She apologized and said she never even thought about taking them down or how that might make me feel. They even gave her a nice hardback book from the retirement party which contains a bunch of pictures of us together in it.
Looking out back at the patio furniture where we went out to read that Christmas and I broke the beloved Kauai mug.
Braum's nearby... the site of so many "sneak off for ice cream (and burgers)" trips.
We went to eat at Fernando's last night... the Mexican place where they took us last time with the room that had the wall of wine... I had Sangria and realized you and I both had it too the last time.
Everything here... everything about this place makes me so fucking sad and filled with so much you/us. I'll never be able to separate it now. So much lost. Gone.
This bedroom... where so many wonderful things have happened, so many romantic, intense and exciting nights after nice, warm times with family.
The shower... where so many wonderful things have happened... ("No! No! NO!") ;)
There is now a ceiling fan in here since we used to always get hot at night in the winter when the heat was on... and in the summer... just because it was summer in Texas... they wanted "our room" to be comfortable for us.
I didn't realize how alone coming up here would make me feel. And yes, I can understand how alone you felt all those times I didn't do things with you... which is exactly why I've tried telling you again and again that would never ever happen now... but you won't even try.
I knew that coming up here for the holidays would be a mistake, I'm nowhere near ready to deal with that, which is why I planned to skip them... I just want them to totally disappear this year... but I wasn't prepared for how much all of this would hit me. I was a mistake coming here. I had no idea just how much it would impact me, make me miss you/us and how hard it would hit.
Lots of talk about us... and you... and my mom just says the same thing that I do... that it doesn't make sense and is such a shame, such a waste. That some things are rare and worth fighting for.
I just keep wondering how long is it going to take for life not to feel like this any more? Only I'm pretty sure, on some level, it is always going to.
It's so frustrating to hear my shrink tell me how much progress she can see in me... the changes she can see in me and what I'm so eager and willing/able to take on now... how my outlook on us and all the responsibilities that would have come with us have shifted so much from who I was 8 or 9 years ago when she first met me as this "eternal bachelor"... yet, it's all for nothing if I never get to actually use any of said changes. And I can't help but wonder what your therapist says. I still just can't come to terms with anyone reasonable saying that it's better to throw away so much good, with a man willing to do even more... without even trying. But I'm sure I'm somehow painted as a villain by you and everyone "on your side"... when I just don't think that is fair.
Or, the simpler answer is that you simply don't love me any more and if you "lost us after the beach" then I can't help but wonder why you acted like you did after that... held me... kissed me... when we were packing up your stuff you were very loving... you sure seemed like you still had love in you... and being upset at the pictures before the F1 party... not being "in your life"... that seems like you're holding on to some love still..
So frustrating... a man still here willing to take all that love (if it's there) and willing to give it right back... both to you and to the kids.... but you just won't do it. Won't even try and see for a bit to find out if maybe you can have all the happiness I keep saying you can. Won't even let me try to show you.
So that makes me think that's just wishful thinking... that there is no love there any more and that you were simply lying about it at the end to get what you wanted.
(that's bullshit... even I can't lie to myself that I believe that). I think you're just too afraid to take a chance (again). Which is such a waste and such a shame.
On the wrong bus.
My plan is to not come up for Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas this year. I just want to skip the holidays all together. But Eva convinced me to come up and meet some of her friends, to get out of Austin for a weekend and clear my head. Since I'm still in my "say yes to everything" period I decided it would be a good excuse to see the parents and K & D since I'm not coming up again this year.
I Didn't really expect it to hit me the way it did. I didn't realize that I haven't made this trip solo in 5 years and I was only in this house one time without you (the holidays right when you and I had started dating).
The trip up (and being in this house)... just a *massive*, painful wave of memories of us.
I had to stop for gas/bathroom on the way here and immediately remembered it was a place we had stopped at when you desperately needed a restroom once. Memories of stopping for kolaches when I went through West, etc.
The giraffe statue at the zoo. The "thumpa thumpa thumpa" of the horrible roads that we would laugh about as we drove on Frankford and Coit.
And then in the house itself. My mom's retirement basket is still displayed, with all the things in it that we worked on together.
There are pictures of you still up in this house. Smiling and looking both beautiful and happy. My mom loved you so much, she proudly had you/us displayed on shelves here and there. She apologized and said she never even thought about taking them down or how that might make me feel. They even gave her a nice hardback book from the retirement party which contains a bunch of pictures of us together in it.
Looking out back at the patio furniture where we went out to read that Christmas and I broke the beloved Kauai mug.
Braum's nearby... the site of so many "sneak off for ice cream (and burgers)" trips.
We went to eat at Fernando's last night... the Mexican place where they took us last time with the room that had the wall of wine... I had Sangria and realized you and I both had it too the last time.
Everything here... everything about this place makes me so fucking sad and filled with so much you/us. I'll never be able to separate it now. So much lost. Gone.
This bedroom... where so many wonderful things have happened, so many romantic, intense and exciting nights after nice, warm times with family.
The shower... where so many wonderful things have happened... ("No! No! NO!") ;)
There is now a ceiling fan in here since we used to always get hot at night in the winter when the heat was on... and in the summer... just because it was summer in Texas... they wanted "our room" to be comfortable for us.
I didn't realize how alone coming up here would make me feel. And yes, I can understand how alone you felt all those times I didn't do things with you... which is exactly why I've tried telling you again and again that would never ever happen now... but you won't even try.
I knew that coming up here for the holidays would be a mistake, I'm nowhere near ready to deal with that, which is why I planned to skip them... I just want them to totally disappear this year... but I wasn't prepared for how much all of this would hit me. I was a mistake coming here. I had no idea just how much it would impact me, make me miss you/us and how hard it would hit.
Lots of talk about us... and you... and my mom just says the same thing that I do... that it doesn't make sense and is such a shame, such a waste. That some things are rare and worth fighting for.
I just keep wondering how long is it going to take for life not to feel like this any more? Only I'm pretty sure, on some level, it is always going to.
It's so frustrating to hear my shrink tell me how much progress she can see in me... the changes she can see in me and what I'm so eager and willing/able to take on now... how my outlook on us and all the responsibilities that would have come with us have shifted so much from who I was 8 or 9 years ago when she first met me as this "eternal bachelor"... yet, it's all for nothing if I never get to actually use any of said changes. And I can't help but wonder what your therapist says. I still just can't come to terms with anyone reasonable saying that it's better to throw away so much good, with a man willing to do even more... without even trying. But I'm sure I'm somehow painted as a villain by you and everyone "on your side"... when I just don't think that is fair.
Or, the simpler answer is that you simply don't love me any more and if you "lost us after the beach" then I can't help but wonder why you acted like you did after that... held me... kissed me... when we were packing up your stuff you were very loving... you sure seemed like you still had love in you... and being upset at the pictures before the F1 party... not being "in your life"... that seems like you're holding on to some love still..
So frustrating... a man still here willing to take all that love (if it's there) and willing to give it right back... both to you and to the kids.... but you just won't do it. Won't even try and see for a bit to find out if maybe you can have all the happiness I keep saying you can. Won't even let me try to show you.
So that makes me think that's just wishful thinking... that there is no love there any more and that you were simply lying about it at the end to get what you wanted.
(that's bullshit... even I can't lie to myself that I believe that). I think you're just too afraid to take a chance (again). Which is such a waste and such a shame.
On the wrong bus.
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