I Hate That You Have Done This :: Everything is So Tainted Now

Every day I struggle to keep the images out of my head. The drugs help, but not completely. All of the things that made me happy now belong to someone else. All of the horrible emotions that I never had to feel during our time together (and would never have to feel again once you were my wife) are now constant and unrelenting. Jealousy, envy, hatred, rage, despair... And all I can do is see you smiling, laughing and enjoying all the pleasures of life... sharing them, sharing yourself... with some random asshole. Some dude, fucking my wife. And my wife, loving every second of it.

Torture.

At first I was ashamed that this is the crux of my jealousy. Of all the things in life, why is it only the sex that bothers me? It seems superficial and juvenile.
But then I realized... the reason is simple...
Because that's the ONLY THING we didn't share with anyone else.

You would sometimes go to dinner with other people (without me) or to the movies... you would even spend the night at your ex's house when the kids needed you early the next morning. And not one ounce of jealousy ever entered my mind. We were too strong, too solid. Neither one of us would ever put what we had in jeopardy by doing something stupid to risk it.

But the one thing we only shared with each other was the sex. And over the course of 4.5 years it became very intimate, very intense (for me, anyway)... always totally satisfying and always just between us. It was the deepest core of the intimacy we shared (for me, anyway).

And now that intimacy has been shattered. Some interloper now let into that world. And so we will never share that intimacy ever again.

All this time I said "Nothing has been done that can't be undone"... only now it has.

And it ruins everything.
I can't see or think of happy things from our life without it feeling sour. I can't engage in the things that I love without them feeling slightly colored with less spark than they once had. Happy things make me sad... sad things make me sad. Good memories make me sad... bad memories make me sad. Songs I never got around to sharing with you.... jokes I no longer get to tell you.

Soon it will be "Christ-MAS time... " but some other fuckface is going to "get the beej".

I fucking hate what you've done.

And I fucking hate you for it... but then I also love you and don't think I can ever stop. I wish I hadn't been so fucking happy with you... because then I think this would be easier.

I just can't find any bright side to focus on in losing you.

I was totally happy. You were exactly who I had always wanted.

And now everything is tainted.