The Soundtrack of Failure :: The Soundtrack of The End

These are the songs I don't let myself listen to. But these are the songs that sound like what everything feels like now.

This one is the saddest fucking thing in the entire fucking world:
"I loved the way you looked at me... the way you made me feel... when we were alone."

"The best I've felt in my whole life is when I was in your hands..."

I shared this one early on, but don't know if you listened to it.

"I want you and not somebody else..."

"Get away from me, darling... I'll get high hopes
Do I keep my head high or keep my head low?"

I may have to change my previous statement. I think this one may be the saddest fucking thing in the entire universe.
Some stupid fuck I once knew actually said he always thought of this as a happy song. You have to be epically fucking dense to think anything about this is happy.
And never in a million years did I think we would end up here, end up like the couple in this video. I've loved this song for over a decade but never thought it would all ring so true one day:
"...all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
Not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

...You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true"

And this one... it isn't sad as much as it's the ultimate love letter (in my mind). It was the inspiration for a short story I wrote long ago. I shared it with you but don't know if you ever read it. Even though I wrote it 10 years before I met you, the woman physically described in it (page 4) is clearly you... I just didn't know it yet. The attraction he feels for her (page 5) describes exactly what I felt for you. This song was a blueprint for the night scene on the boat when they make love (page 7). Basically this one is sad because, for me, it's the core of what I always wanted to feel for someone, to have with someone, I even wrote a story about said someone years before I knew her face... and for a moment I had exactly what the man in the story had... and now it's all gone.

I love all of these songs. But I can't listen to them now. When I try to now my throat tightens up so much that I can't swallow... just like it did as a frustrated child.

I think about our Alina Baraz night a lot these days. Mostly because it was the last time I felt so apart from you like this... except that night was the start of us figuring things out, coming back together. Amongst great music and good feelings and a wave of excitement for the future. I wish I could go from where I am now to feeling that hope again.