No Idea What Matters :: Everything is Wrong

-
Today began with 6am trip to Trattoria 360 before meeting Daniel to go to the track. Sat at the table waiting for my order where we sat during so many FCA breakfasts. Felt so... off... so... incomplete... so... wrong.

Ferrari Gala tonight. Some other woman (friend) going in your stead. Trying to be excited about it. Am not at all. Would rather know I'm going to drive you home later after having looked at you from across the room all night, feeling that proud happiness that I always felt wanting to burst forth from me, barely able to contain my love and admiration for you because I knew I was with the most fantastic woman on Earth.

You'll be missed by all.

Everything about today feels wrong.

I love you.

I miss you.

And I have no idea if any of this matters to you.

The idea of you being in another's arms feels so... unreal.

Somewhere this all went wrong... and it all still feels wrong.





So wrong.


(P.S. I see that someone is reading this... I have no idea whether it's you or some stranger following my drama... If it is you... FYI, the hair is all gone. Even shorter and more stylish than it ever was before. Everyone loves it. And I just wish you were gliding your fingers over the short, crisp back of it. A fucking shame... to the very end.)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I'm On the Wrong Bus :: What I Was Going to Ask

-
For months now I have had this feeling. This "not myself" feeling. As if I'm walking 5-10 feet beside myself, like I'm in the wrong place every moment of every day. Even if I'm in familiar places with familiar friends and it is what should be a comfortable, happy time. I just feel.... "off". I realized what it reminds me of. I'm not sure if this ever happened to you as a child, but once in grade school I got on the wrong bus to go home (the bus number in the morning was different from the afternoon, but I got on the "morning" one after school). That's how I feel now. Like I can see everything passing by me, it's all familiar, but I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be and the path I'm on isn't heading where I want to go... and that I have no control to stop it, I'm just forced to go along for the ride. That's exactly how this all feels, like I am absolutely *not* where I'm supposed to be and *not* go...
Read more

It's Been a Great Couple of Months

-
My Birthday: Sat alone in the house. Thanksgiving: Sat alone in the house. Christmas: Sat alone in the house. New Year's: Sat alone in the house. Valentine's: Sat alone in the house. "Our house..."our".... fucking bullshit. I've now been in "our" house longer than you lived here with me. You're a fucking coward. You're a fucking liar. Hope you're having a wonderful time fucking whatever random dude you're fucking now. And I say random since you could have only known him a short time when you started fucking him soon after we were supposed to marry. Although I get the feeling that whomever you're fucking now isn't the same random dude you were fucking right after you broke it off. Which means you're already on to yet another random dude. What a whore. And if it isn't some "random" dude.. if it's someone you knew when we were together... well then that makes you a lying, cheating fucking whor...
Read more

After the Wine

-
I'm not sure if you still come here since I said I was done posting. Maybe I'll text you tomorrow to tell you this is here. I'm sure you'll wake up tomorrow and regret that you reached out to me while you were tipsy, but it's okay. I'm very worried about you, but it's okay. I have no clear idea where you are mentally and emotionally right now, but maybe I do have a small clue. I get that you're lost and confused and all I can say is the same things I've been saying for 5 months: I care about you. You're important to me (and the kids are important to me). I've heard you and I understand what you need from someone. I'm only asking the opportunity to show you these things. I'm not concerned about sweeping you off your feet romantically (although I can do that (again) if you'd like, in addition to the things I'm really focused on with "us")... my only concern right now is demonstrating to you that I can provi...
Read more