The Imbalance of Unhappiness

Something I've thought about many times over the last 6 months is how the pain of all this doesn't add up.

I get that you weren't as happy as I wanted you to be, not as happy as I was... and I get that the kids weren't as happy as you (and I) wanted them to be.

But this...

This is a shitshow.

There's no way that the happiness you have now (whatever that may be) and that they have now comes anywhere near the happiness that we had.

And there is no way the unhappiness you and they felt comes anywhere *near* the complete misery I have felt for 6 months now (and it's clearly nowhere near over yet).

These have been very very very dark days... probably the second-worst period of my entire life.

And I just can't believe that the sadness you felt comes anywhere near the pain I've had to endure. The struggle I've had to make (even with help from friends, therapists and drugs) just to survive each day. You weren't as in as much pain as I have been...

So it all just doesn't add up.

There was still so much happiness there... and so much still to come.

Things could have been fixed... things could have been made better and happier.

But instead you're living with whatever happiness you've managed to find now (which I can't believe is the level of happiness like I see on your face when I look at the pic of you looking at me during my birthday night at Jasper's). And I'm living with spiraling depression and so much sadness...

It all could have been so much better than this.

You threw so much away like it was worthless garbage.

Threw me away.

You made a huge mistake.