Once Again... That Could Have Gone Better
I hate how we never do well now when we aren't talking face to face. So much emotion in it over stupid ass texts and not much better with phone calls. That's precisely why I wanted to go to counseling. I fucking loved you and would do anything for you, so I wanted you to feel like you were in a place where you could say what you needed to as you clearly had gotten to some place (due to my actions, I can own that) where you didn't feel you could. You were wrong... I loved you and would listen to anything you had to say and would have tried to give you what you needed if you told me how important it was or how much you were hurting. That keeps me up at night. But if you needed a safe place with a third party there I wanted to give you that... I wanted to give you anything required for you to just be able to tell me what you needed and to let me try.
I hate how completely fucking trashed this beautiful relationship ended up.. and so god damned quickly (seemingly, to me) this disintegration happened.
I don't appreciate you telling me I "Have it all wrong"... Yes, I may be angrily simplifying how you met someone or even the nature of your relationship... but that isn't the part that upsets me. Just the fact that you can be involved romantically with someone at *all* already is what hurts.
I have people around me who have romantic interests in me... friends of friends... and we hang out and I can feel their excitement (they don't know exactly what happened or how recently single I am). But I realized very quickly "Wow... I'm not excited by this at all... there's this cute, sweet person clearly interested in me but I feel nothing"... And it's very clear because I know *exactly* how that should feel... how giddy I should be... and that's when I realize that I'm in this place that I've never been in during my entire life. Where I honestly do not have love/romance to give to anyone other than the person who still has all of my heart. The fact that I'm not interested after being single for almost 4 months makes me realize "Wow... this is what they mean when people say 'I'm not ready to be involved with anyone right now'"... But you clearly did... however it happened and whatever your relationship... I'd feel like I was lying to someone by spending any time with them romantically right now, knowing they had romantic intentions that I cannot reciprocate... but it appears you did. And I just don't see how you could have that to give if you were as in love as I was (am). For a long time everyone is going to be compared to you and every little thing they do that "isn't like [Most Beautiful]" is going to be a check against them. And since there's only like 2 things that made it complicated with you (the kids, obviously...and I will always be concerned about you drinking too much due to your family history... and that isn't petty bitching, it's because I love you, care about you and worry about you)... well... it's really hard for anyone to not just get a ton of "nope" all the time.
I know how I fall... fast and hard... I knew after one week of texting you that I was falling for you... I felt guilty going to Vegas and then I felt guilty in Vegas that I was spending so much time thinking of nothing but getting back to you. I was already falling in love with you. Fast and hard... that's how I know it's real
And now I realize just how irreplaceable you are... I thought I knew before... but now I know from actual experience.
That's another fucked up part. You don't see it. We would have had a really good/great marriage before... but if we had worked through this... jesus.. we would have had a FUCKING EPIC marriage. You were always going to get a good husband, but if you had been willing to weather this storm with me you would have had the best husband of all time (and what you wanted for the kids... I put my fucking LIFE on that.). We were strong... we slipped, but if we had fought for it (if I had been allowed to) we would have made everyone else's bullshit marriages look like child's play. And that is a MASSIVE tragedy to me. I'm sorry you don't see it. I do. This would have made us so much stronger. I never would have let you slip one inch away ever again... and I never let you slip too far already.
::
I knew it had to be you lurking here. But I still don't exactly understand why you do.
Morbid fascination?
Is it just to keep tabs on me, to assuage any guilt you might have, making sure I haven't completely imploded (yet)... or maybe waiting to be free of me if/when I do? (Well, don't worry, there are drugs and shrinks and good friends/family keeping a very close eye on me. You're off the hook.)
Or is it just an ego thing for you... knowing I'm still so completely in love with you and that makes you feel good/wonderful/special?
Or maybe you're waiting for that breath of relief you can take when I finally do say I'm seeing someone and have finally moved on. (Here's a hint, you'll be waiting a long time for that one... you fucked up by being so perfect for me. It's no different now... everyone else pales in comparison)
Or do you still feel something and want to maintain some connection?
In any case I probably ("probly") don't want to know.
One surprising thing.. I was talking to my mom. She said she almost sent you a letter... But she didn't want you to read it, it was really just for her to get out her feelings. I assume something akin to this blog for me, to say what she needed to on her own terms. I had her send it to me instead, promising I would never give it to you. It was angry, but surprisingly restrained in a way I don't posses. She was "disappointed" mostly.
After reading it I made a comment about how you and I could never work things out now anyway as there's no way she would support us being together. She shocked me when she said "Oh, I absolutely would. You two were happy together and were good for each other. Nothing is ever perfect but you two were as close as I've seen for your age and as long as you keep trying it can always get better... and I could see those other parts getting better. I saw things in you that even you didn't realize. If you two were happy together again I will always support that".
Shocked the shit out of me. I figured after all this she would tell me I'm never allowed near "that woman" ever again. But I guess, like me, she never gives up hope and never would spite long term happiness with petty grudges. (actually that "grudge" part is where we differ). Oh well.
And I don't really want to know the answer to this either because I have enough in my life making me feel shitty about myself these days. But I always wonder, did you ever even ask the kids if they wanted me to spend time with you during this whole fucking tragedy? Did you ask the boys if they wanted to go with me to the car stuff? I was trying to offer exactly what you wanted and what pissed me off so much was you didn't seem willing to let me give you exactly what you were asking for once I understood just what was on the line. I know, I know "too little, too late".. but that's bullshit... someone loving you and willing to fight for you, no matter the cost is never "too little, too late". Again, what a fucking shame and waste.
And finally... last night's dream that had me all fucked up this morning (which I guess was good because it meant I already had a Xanax in me, calming me down before we got into it via text today).
I was living with someone... a woman, but just a friend... and the kids were living with me for some reason. (I have no idea, it's a dream). You showed up and it was really upsetting T because it was clearly upsetting me. You were telling me that you needed to know how quickly I would be "available". Available for what? To go with you to New York... you had an extra ticket and wanted me to go with you for a "weekend away". I was like "uhhh... don't you have a boyfriend?" "Well, yeah, but he won't be around"... so essentially you wanted me to sneak around with you... and as much as I loved the idea of getting to spend a romantic weekend away with you it upset me that you wanted me to be your "side bitch" or something. I started crying and getting really angry. T was there and he charged at you, he was really pissed that you were upsetting me. I grabbed him to pull him away from you and kinda hurt him accidentally when I did. He started crying and I picked him and was crying and trying to calm him down, all the while so angry that you would just show up and do this. I was carrying him around and kinda telling you that you needed to just go, that I couldn't believe you just showed up and dropped this shit on me again.
And that's when I woke up. And it left me fucked up all day.
I'm sorry that things are so ugly. This is the worst I've ever felt in my entire life and I'm doing the best I can.
I hate how completely fucking trashed this beautiful relationship ended up.. and so god damned quickly (seemingly, to me) this disintegration happened.
I don't appreciate you telling me I "Have it all wrong"... Yes, I may be angrily simplifying how you met someone or even the nature of your relationship... but that isn't the part that upsets me. Just the fact that you can be involved romantically with someone at *all* already is what hurts.
I have people around me who have romantic interests in me... friends of friends... and we hang out and I can feel their excitement (they don't know exactly what happened or how recently single I am). But I realized very quickly "Wow... I'm not excited by this at all... there's this cute, sweet person clearly interested in me but I feel nothing"... And it's very clear because I know *exactly* how that should feel... how giddy I should be... and that's when I realize that I'm in this place that I've never been in during my entire life. Where I honestly do not have love/romance to give to anyone other than the person who still has all of my heart. The fact that I'm not interested after being single for almost 4 months makes me realize "Wow... this is what they mean when people say 'I'm not ready to be involved with anyone right now'"... But you clearly did... however it happened and whatever your relationship... I'd feel like I was lying to someone by spending any time with them romantically right now, knowing they had romantic intentions that I cannot reciprocate... but it appears you did. And I just don't see how you could have that to give if you were as in love as I was (am). For a long time everyone is going to be compared to you and every little thing they do that "isn't like [Most Beautiful]" is going to be a check against them. And since there's only like 2 things that made it complicated with you (the kids, obviously...and I will always be concerned about you drinking too much due to your family history... and that isn't petty bitching, it's because I love you, care about you and worry about you)... well... it's really hard for anyone to not just get a ton of "nope" all the time.
I know how I fall... fast and hard... I knew after one week of texting you that I was falling for you... I felt guilty going to Vegas and then I felt guilty in Vegas that I was spending so much time thinking of nothing but getting back to you. I was already falling in love with you. Fast and hard... that's how I know it's real
And now I realize just how irreplaceable you are... I thought I knew before... but now I know from actual experience.
That's another fucked up part. You don't see it. We would have had a really good/great marriage before... but if we had worked through this... jesus.. we would have had a FUCKING EPIC marriage. You were always going to get a good husband, but if you had been willing to weather this storm with me you would have had the best husband of all time (and what you wanted for the kids... I put my fucking LIFE on that.). We were strong... we slipped, but if we had fought for it (if I had been allowed to) we would have made everyone else's bullshit marriages look like child's play. And that is a MASSIVE tragedy to me. I'm sorry you don't see it. I do. This would have made us so much stronger. I never would have let you slip one inch away ever again... and I never let you slip too far already.
::
I knew it had to be you lurking here. But I still don't exactly understand why you do.
Morbid fascination?
Is it just to keep tabs on me, to assuage any guilt you might have, making sure I haven't completely imploded (yet)... or maybe waiting to be free of me if/when I do? (Well, don't worry, there are drugs and shrinks and good friends/family keeping a very close eye on me. You're off the hook.)
Or is it just an ego thing for you... knowing I'm still so completely in love with you and that makes you feel good/wonderful/special?
Or maybe you're waiting for that breath of relief you can take when I finally do say I'm seeing someone and have finally moved on. (Here's a hint, you'll be waiting a long time for that one... you fucked up by being so perfect for me. It's no different now... everyone else pales in comparison)
Or do you still feel something and want to maintain some connection?
In any case I probably ("probly") don't want to know.
One surprising thing.. I was talking to my mom. She said she almost sent you a letter... But she didn't want you to read it, it was really just for her to get out her feelings. I assume something akin to this blog for me, to say what she needed to on her own terms. I had her send it to me instead, promising I would never give it to you. It was angry, but surprisingly restrained in a way I don't posses. She was "disappointed" mostly.
After reading it I made a comment about how you and I could never work things out now anyway as there's no way she would support us being together. She shocked me when she said "Oh, I absolutely would. You two were happy together and were good for each other. Nothing is ever perfect but you two were as close as I've seen for your age and as long as you keep trying it can always get better... and I could see those other parts getting better. I saw things in you that even you didn't realize. If you two were happy together again I will always support that".
Shocked the shit out of me. I figured after all this she would tell me I'm never allowed near "that woman" ever again. But I guess, like me, she never gives up hope and never would spite long term happiness with petty grudges. (actually that "grudge" part is where we differ). Oh well.
And I don't really want to know the answer to this either because I have enough in my life making me feel shitty about myself these days. But I always wonder, did you ever even ask the kids if they wanted me to spend time with you during this whole fucking tragedy? Did you ask the boys if they wanted to go with me to the car stuff? I was trying to offer exactly what you wanted and what pissed me off so much was you didn't seem willing to let me give you exactly what you were asking for once I understood just what was on the line. I know, I know "too little, too late".. but that's bullshit... someone loving you and willing to fight for you, no matter the cost is never "too little, too late". Again, what a fucking shame and waste.
And finally... last night's dream that had me all fucked up this morning (which I guess was good because it meant I already had a Xanax in me, calming me down before we got into it via text today).
I was living with someone... a woman, but just a friend... and the kids were living with me for some reason. (I have no idea, it's a dream). You showed up and it was really upsetting T because it was clearly upsetting me. You were telling me that you needed to know how quickly I would be "available". Available for what? To go with you to New York... you had an extra ticket and wanted me to go with you for a "weekend away". I was like "uhhh... don't you have a boyfriend?" "Well, yeah, but he won't be around"... so essentially you wanted me to sneak around with you... and as much as I loved the idea of getting to spend a romantic weekend away with you it upset me that you wanted me to be your "side bitch" or something. I started crying and getting really angry. T was there and he charged at you, he was really pissed that you were upsetting me. I grabbed him to pull him away from you and kinda hurt him accidentally when I did. He started crying and I picked him and was crying and trying to calm him down, all the while so angry that you would just show up and do this. I was carrying him around and kinda telling you that you needed to just go, that I couldn't believe you just showed up and dropped this shit on me again.
And that's when I woke up. And it left me fucked up all day.
I'm sorry that things are so ugly. This is the worst I've ever felt in my entire life and I'm doing the best I can.
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