I Love You :: I Love You More
That was always our cute little "call and response".
"I love you." from me.
"I love you more!" from you.
Bullshit.
You're a fucking liar.
I've had almost 2 months to think about this, having it endlessly swirling in my head day and night. Unable to sleep on nights just like this (after 5am now) with my thoughts nothing but unending conversations with you. At first it was all pleading; begging you to just let us try to find our way through the mess that this has turned into. Now it's usually just arguments; the anger builds more each day. The more you ignore any contact I make with you (and not some annoying pleading either... even when I am only letting you know you have some mail here, you ignore me as if I'm suddenly an enemy) the more angry I become.
And that gets me thinking... both about the "love you | love you more" exchanges and the big picture of the last 4 and a half years. It's easy to say that I believe I clearly loved you more here at the recent end. You being the one who broke things off and me being the only one of us willing to fight to keep from throwing all of this away.
But I realize now it's bigger than that.
If you take a step back and look at who we are objectively you see something very clearly. I'm sure you won't see it this way as you are dedicated to the idea that I'm the villain in all of this, so you'll find a way to reason away in your own mind what I'm saying... but you're wrong. Plain fucking wrong.
What did you sacrifice to love me? What additional burden did you take on to be with me?
NOTHING.
To love me all you have to do is exactly that... just love *me*. I come with no additional "baggage" or responsibilities. I have a cat, but I care for him, pay for him, take him to the vet when he needs it, etc. I have an expensive, indulgent car, but I deal with the financial impact of that alone and it doesn't affect the quality of life I provided for us. I don't have an overbearing family that you must contend with. I don't have some massive debt that you have to partially take on. I have no exes that you have to deal with. I have no children. I have no needs above and beyond a simple coupling that many people share. There is nothing additional that comes with being in a relationship with me... it's just loving me, that's it.
(And let's be clear. You don't get to say that you made some sacrifice in regards to your children to be in a relationship with me. Again, bullshit. You didn't suddenly abandon them once we started dating. I never stood in the way of you spending time with them and your routine of seeing them as often as you did was already how you were living your life when you and I met. You may wish now that you had done things differently back then, but it wasn't due to our being together that things were the way they were. They were exactly as you chose for them to be, I simply came along and slid into your life as it already existed. To say otherwise would be another lie.)
But to love you also means taking on (partial) responsibility for 4 children. I knew that from the beginning and although it was daunting at first, as time went on I accepted it willingly. You were worth it... *every bit of it*. And you still are. But I feel as though you tend to gloss over that. What it means for someone to be in a relationship with you, the additional effort and responsibility that is built-in, a part of being in love with you that must also be accepted.
The reason I am here in this house today is not because of my needs... it was due to the needs of you and your children. I made massive life changes all due to the fact that loving you also means having to take on 4 kids to a certain degree. Previous to that I had a house that was fine for me and my life. But I sold that happily and built this new home solely to make you and the kids (and me) happy. I didn't need this, but I loved you and therefore it meant that "we" needed this.
I did it and was very happy to do so. I was in. All in. All the way to the very end. Forever.
But I guess forever just got much shorter, didn't it?
So looking back now on our cute little exchanges I can only think "bullshit". I clearly loved you more, as it took more effort for me to be in a relationship with you than it did for you solely based on the "baggage" that you bring with you. This isn't complaining about said "baggage". This isn't about that. It's just about the fact that the very nature of your life demanded more of me than mine did of you and I hope you honestly see the truth in that.
And then, in the end (and still), *I* was the one willing to fight for us, to try harder to make you and the kids happy, to not just throw away this life we had been building. Whereas you just walked away from it and can't seem to put it (and me) behind you fast enough.
So I now call bullshit on every single time you said "I love you more" during our time together.
No you didn't. To be with you demanded more of me than being with me demanded of you. I sacrificed much more to be with you than you ever did to be with me. I was happy to do it. And I was still offering to do more even as you were showing me nothing but your taillights.
You love me more?
Bullshit.
I love(d) you more.
"I love you." from me.
"I love you more!" from you.
Bullshit.
You're a fucking liar.
I've had almost 2 months to think about this, having it endlessly swirling in my head day and night. Unable to sleep on nights just like this (after 5am now) with my thoughts nothing but unending conversations with you. At first it was all pleading; begging you to just let us try to find our way through the mess that this has turned into. Now it's usually just arguments; the anger builds more each day. The more you ignore any contact I make with you (and not some annoying pleading either... even when I am only letting you know you have some mail here, you ignore me as if I'm suddenly an enemy) the more angry I become.
And that gets me thinking... both about the "love you | love you more" exchanges and the big picture of the last 4 and a half years. It's easy to say that I believe I clearly loved you more here at the recent end. You being the one who broke things off and me being the only one of us willing to fight to keep from throwing all of this away.
But I realize now it's bigger than that.
If you take a step back and look at who we are objectively you see something very clearly. I'm sure you won't see it this way as you are dedicated to the idea that I'm the villain in all of this, so you'll find a way to reason away in your own mind what I'm saying... but you're wrong. Plain fucking wrong.
What did you sacrifice to love me? What additional burden did you take on to be with me?
NOTHING.
To love me all you have to do is exactly that... just love *me*. I come with no additional "baggage" or responsibilities. I have a cat, but I care for him, pay for him, take him to the vet when he needs it, etc. I have an expensive, indulgent car, but I deal with the financial impact of that alone and it doesn't affect the quality of life I provided for us. I don't have an overbearing family that you must contend with. I don't have some massive debt that you have to partially take on. I have no exes that you have to deal with. I have no children. I have no needs above and beyond a simple coupling that many people share. There is nothing additional that comes with being in a relationship with me... it's just loving me, that's it.
(And let's be clear. You don't get to say that you made some sacrifice in regards to your children to be in a relationship with me. Again, bullshit. You didn't suddenly abandon them once we started dating. I never stood in the way of you spending time with them and your routine of seeing them as often as you did was already how you were living your life when you and I met. You may wish now that you had done things differently back then, but it wasn't due to our being together that things were the way they were. They were exactly as you chose for them to be, I simply came along and slid into your life as it already existed. To say otherwise would be another lie.)
But to love you also means taking on (partial) responsibility for 4 children. I knew that from the beginning and although it was daunting at first, as time went on I accepted it willingly. You were worth it... *every bit of it*. And you still are. But I feel as though you tend to gloss over that. What it means for someone to be in a relationship with you, the additional effort and responsibility that is built-in, a part of being in love with you that must also be accepted.
The reason I am here in this house today is not because of my needs... it was due to the needs of you and your children. I made massive life changes all due to the fact that loving you also means having to take on 4 kids to a certain degree. Previous to that I had a house that was fine for me and my life. But I sold that happily and built this new home solely to make you and the kids (and me) happy. I didn't need this, but I loved you and therefore it meant that "we" needed this.
I did it and was very happy to do so. I was in. All in. All the way to the very end. Forever.
But I guess forever just got much shorter, didn't it?
So looking back now on our cute little exchanges I can only think "bullshit". I clearly loved you more, as it took more effort for me to be in a relationship with you than it did for you solely based on the "baggage" that you bring with you. This isn't complaining about said "baggage". This isn't about that. It's just about the fact that the very nature of your life demanded more of me than mine did of you and I hope you honestly see the truth in that.
And then, in the end (and still), *I* was the one willing to fight for us, to try harder to make you and the kids happy, to not just throw away this life we had been building. Whereas you just walked away from it and can't seem to put it (and me) behind you fast enough.
So I now call bullshit on every single time you said "I love you more" during our time together.
No you didn't. To be with you demanded more of me than being with me demanded of you. I sacrificed much more to be with you than you ever did to be with me. I was happy to do it. And I was still offering to do more even as you were showing me nothing but your taillights.
You love me more?
Bullshit.
I love(d) you more.
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