Today Was Hard :: Every Day Is Hard
Today was hard.
It has been a month since you altered the course of our lives forever. At first the days were a dichotomy: either depression or rage. Depression over the loss of something that had so much good, so much true, pure, healthy love. Rage over the frustration at your complete lack of willingness to try and improve the portion of our life that was causing you pain.
Slowly the amplitude of the days lessened to either sadness or anger.
Each was dictated by endless conversations/negotiations/arguments I would have with you in only my head. If they were pleading and bargaining I would be sad over the waste of the rare thing we were lucky enough to find in one another. If they were attempts to get you to realize the irrationality of your decision to throw it all away without even allowing me a chance to learn from my mistakes and make our life even better than it already was I would be frustrated and angry. There was never any in-between. Only sadness or anger. I preferred neither as they both were never a part of who we were together.
The internal conversations have now ended for the most part. Acceptance that this is really happening, that the envisioned future is never to be.
And thus, today was a sad day.
We would have been wed for a week as of today. I needed help with something this morning but my wife was not here. She doesn't exist due to the aforementioned course alteration. So I had to rely on a friend. Another reminder that I'm now doing this all on my own. No longer a partner, no longer a teammate.
We passed by places I rarely go and in one moment I realized we were near the school where I met you for Madison's dance class years ago. We passed by the Steiner neighborhood where you lived while we figured out our plans for the future (which eventually led us to where I now sit alone). It's one thing to go to the "regular" places we visited frequently, but it's surprisingly more poignant to pass the ones I went to rarely... yet only with you. The memories are one thing... but it's the reminder of what it was like to be in those places and to be happy, to feel safe, to feel secure in our love. Love that was so sure, so strong. And now I can stand in those same places... yet somehow life is now all in fucking pieces.
Of all the couples we know. All the needless, childish drama we've seen them endure. All the petty bickering. All the unhappy husbands who live for weekends when their wives are away and they get to be "off the leash". All the unhappy wives who irritatingly complain of their husbands' idiosyncrasies (which actually make them the fantastic, unique people that they are). Of all that... how the fuck are they still together and we, who were happier than they ever were, are now set on separate paths, never to intertwine again? How the fuck?
I know my culpability in how we got here. And I know my willingness to repair what needed attention. But I was refused a chance to even try.
Today was hard.
It has been a month since you altered the course of our lives forever. At first the days were a dichotomy: either depression or rage. Depression over the loss of something that had so much good, so much true, pure, healthy love. Rage over the frustration at your complete lack of willingness to try and improve the portion of our life that was causing you pain.
Slowly the amplitude of the days lessened to either sadness or anger.
Each was dictated by endless conversations/negotiations/arguments I would have with you in only my head. If they were pleading and bargaining I would be sad over the waste of the rare thing we were lucky enough to find in one another. If they were attempts to get you to realize the irrationality of your decision to throw it all away without even allowing me a chance to learn from my mistakes and make our life even better than it already was I would be frustrated and angry. There was never any in-between. Only sadness or anger. I preferred neither as they both were never a part of who we were together.
The internal conversations have now ended for the most part. Acceptance that this is really happening, that the envisioned future is never to be.
And thus, today was a sad day.
We would have been wed for a week as of today. I needed help with something this morning but my wife was not here. She doesn't exist due to the aforementioned course alteration. So I had to rely on a friend. Another reminder that I'm now doing this all on my own. No longer a partner, no longer a teammate.
We passed by places I rarely go and in one moment I realized we were near the school where I met you for Madison's dance class years ago. We passed by the Steiner neighborhood where you lived while we figured out our plans for the future (which eventually led us to where I now sit alone). It's one thing to go to the "regular" places we visited frequently, but it's surprisingly more poignant to pass the ones I went to rarely... yet only with you. The memories are one thing... but it's the reminder of what it was like to be in those places and to be happy, to feel safe, to feel secure in our love. Love that was so sure, so strong. And now I can stand in those same places... yet somehow life is now all in fucking pieces.
Of all the couples we know. All the needless, childish drama we've seen them endure. All the petty bickering. All the unhappy husbands who live for weekends when their wives are away and they get to be "off the leash". All the unhappy wives who irritatingly complain of their husbands' idiosyncrasies (which actually make them the fantastic, unique people that they are). Of all that... how the fuck are they still together and we, who were happier than they ever were, are now set on separate paths, never to intertwine again? How the fuck?
I know my culpability in how we got here. And I know my willingness to repair what needed attention. But I was refused a chance to even try.
Today was hard.
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