Tonight Is Very Bad
I'm not sure what makes some days worse than others, but today is very bad.
I reach out to friends but there is no solace to be found in their words and suggestions.
I pace and try to find distractions but nothing appeases me.
I cannot concentrate on anything... music, TV, movies, video games, work.
It's hard to overcome the pointless feeling of it all. Previous to this every little thing had a purpose, a piece in the bigger picture. Now the portrait of the future is shattered and picking up the pieces seems futile. Putting it back together? It will only emphasize the cracks and damage. It has been destroyed. Best to just leave it where it lies and hope to not cut myself on the sharp edges as I try to tiptoe through it.
I can only assume that you are happier than I am and that this time the burden is mine to bear. It's worse than any other time, only because this was the best ever... so the loss is much greater.
I wonder if the hearts I've broken struggled like this.
It has been almost 2 months... with some ups and downs, hope along the way that is repeatedly shattered as you continue your retreat. At no point have you given me any indication that you regret this at all, that you have rethought it for a second. I don't know what's going on with you, but all outward indications are that each day heals you a little more and you breathe a bit easier. I continue to find it just as crushing. I go over my options, assess my strength and try to determine how much more I can take.
Some days I keep myself distracted. But no matter if the hours fly by or if they drag, at the end of the evening I find myself in the exact same place... lost.
I cannot escape it. I try to avert my eyes, avert my mind, but it's ubiquitous. I try to sit in silence but then I'm left only with my thoughts... and I can't tell which is worse. The passive hits I take from the world or the active ones I give to myself.
Every mention and vision of love is now like a piercing shard of glass. I used to stand so tall in the comfort and security of the fact that I had a love that was so rare, so strong, so good, so pure and so secure that every depiction of love around me seemed like a pale imitation. If only the "lovers" around me knew what *real* love was as I did. I felt pity for them.
Now I see wedding dresses, proposals and smiling newlyweds and it crushes me... as if I'm made of clay... as if I'm frail and made only to break. I feel the air leave me as if I've taken a sucker punch.
I was RIGHT FUCKING THERE. I was standing at the precipice, my toes dangling over the edge... so ready to fall, ready to plunge happily into the eternal, blissful spiral of the rest of my days. Cradled in the arms of this incredible thing... this exquisite gift that I had been given. But now all of the things that surround me only serve to reinforce just how much I've lost. I know that the lovers who circle around me only possess a weak semblance of what I had... but at least they have *something*... and so they have more than me.
I have always broken my life down into two alternating periods... ones in which I go out into the world and see happy couples and bitterly think "I want that" versus others where I see happy couples and pleasantly think "I have that". And this was the best "I have that" ever. The "I have that which is so much more than what anyone else has... I have what would make *everyone* say "I want that"... only now I'm once again back to "I want that"... only this time I know that even if I find my way back to "I have that" it will never compared to what we were. I can only hope for the pale imitation, the weak semblance.
I try to keep my head down and my mouth shut... just like I did in 2002 when the world pushed me hard. Back then I tried to push back... and the resistance almost broke me. I don't have the strength for that now, nor the purpose. So instead I've decided to try and bend like a reed in the wind... only... if the world pushes hard enough I will keep bending until I'm all the way over backwards... and if it keeps pushing even more I'll just relent and let it push me all the fucking way into the ground.
The chemicals help, although not the ones I like the most... I can't turn to that, my most pleasurable escape ("The only bliss on which I can depend"). Now MDMA is too tied up in wonderful nights with you, hours spent in ecstasy (no pun intended) and this overwhelming pleasure, swimming in the love of you. And the plans I had for our wedding week. Rolling with the crashing waves outside, walks on the beach and the lovemaking to follow. It will be some time before I can go there again as I think it would only lead me down the dark garden path of soul-crushing sadness and deeper depression for the foreseeable future. So even my best escapes are now merely prisons.
The color is gone from everything. Nothing is enjoyable... even the best things in my life (some of the best things in the world) are merely bearable. I now finally know how it's possible to be surrounded by beauty and yet be totally miserable. There is something to be said for driving around in the most beautiful Ferrari ever made, with a beautiful woman beside me (just a friend) and it feels completely colorless and empty... pointless... just like everything else right now.
Eating, drinking, breathing, walking, talking, sleeping, working... all pointless.
Tonight is very... very...
...very bad.
I reach out to friends but there is no solace to be found in their words and suggestions.
I pace and try to find distractions but nothing appeases me.
I cannot concentrate on anything... music, TV, movies, video games, work.
It's hard to overcome the pointless feeling of it all. Previous to this every little thing had a purpose, a piece in the bigger picture. Now the portrait of the future is shattered and picking up the pieces seems futile. Putting it back together? It will only emphasize the cracks and damage. It has been destroyed. Best to just leave it where it lies and hope to not cut myself on the sharp edges as I try to tiptoe through it.
I can only assume that you are happier than I am and that this time the burden is mine to bear. It's worse than any other time, only because this was the best ever... so the loss is much greater.
I wonder if the hearts I've broken struggled like this.
It has been almost 2 months... with some ups and downs, hope along the way that is repeatedly shattered as you continue your retreat. At no point have you given me any indication that you regret this at all, that you have rethought it for a second. I don't know what's going on with you, but all outward indications are that each day heals you a little more and you breathe a bit easier. I continue to find it just as crushing. I go over my options, assess my strength and try to determine how much more I can take.
Some days I keep myself distracted. But no matter if the hours fly by or if they drag, at the end of the evening I find myself in the exact same place... lost.
I cannot escape it. I try to avert my eyes, avert my mind, but it's ubiquitous. I try to sit in silence but then I'm left only with my thoughts... and I can't tell which is worse. The passive hits I take from the world or the active ones I give to myself.
Every mention and vision of love is now like a piercing shard of glass. I used to stand so tall in the comfort and security of the fact that I had a love that was so rare, so strong, so good, so pure and so secure that every depiction of love around me seemed like a pale imitation. If only the "lovers" around me knew what *real* love was as I did. I felt pity for them.
Now I see wedding dresses, proposals and smiling newlyweds and it crushes me... as if I'm made of clay... as if I'm frail and made only to break. I feel the air leave me as if I've taken a sucker punch.
I was RIGHT FUCKING THERE. I was standing at the precipice, my toes dangling over the edge... so ready to fall, ready to plunge happily into the eternal, blissful spiral of the rest of my days. Cradled in the arms of this incredible thing... this exquisite gift that I had been given. But now all of the things that surround me only serve to reinforce just how much I've lost. I know that the lovers who circle around me only possess a weak semblance of what I had... but at least they have *something*... and so they have more than me.
I have always broken my life down into two alternating periods... ones in which I go out into the world and see happy couples and bitterly think "I want that" versus others where I see happy couples and pleasantly think "I have that". And this was the best "I have that" ever. The "I have that which is so much more than what anyone else has... I have what would make *everyone* say "I want that"... only now I'm once again back to "I want that"... only this time I know that even if I find my way back to "I have that" it will never compared to what we were. I can only hope for the pale imitation, the weak semblance.
I try to keep my head down and my mouth shut... just like I did in 2002 when the world pushed me hard. Back then I tried to push back... and the resistance almost broke me. I don't have the strength for that now, nor the purpose. So instead I've decided to try and bend like a reed in the wind... only... if the world pushes hard enough I will keep bending until I'm all the way over backwards... and if it keeps pushing even more I'll just relent and let it push me all the fucking way into the ground.
The chemicals help, although not the ones I like the most... I can't turn to that, my most pleasurable escape ("The only bliss on which I can depend"). Now MDMA is too tied up in wonderful nights with you, hours spent in ecstasy (no pun intended) and this overwhelming pleasure, swimming in the love of you. And the plans I had for our wedding week. Rolling with the crashing waves outside, walks on the beach and the lovemaking to follow. It will be some time before I can go there again as I think it would only lead me down the dark garden path of soul-crushing sadness and deeper depression for the foreseeable future. So even my best escapes are now merely prisons.
The color is gone from everything. Nothing is enjoyable... even the best things in my life (some of the best things in the world) are merely bearable. I now finally know how it's possible to be surrounded by beauty and yet be totally miserable. There is something to be said for driving around in the most beautiful Ferrari ever made, with a beautiful woman beside me (just a friend) and it feels completely colorless and empty... pointless... just like everything else right now.
Eating, drinking, breathing, walking, talking, sleeping, working... all pointless.
Tonight is very... very...
...very bad.
Comments
Post a Comment