You Have Nothing to Lose :: You Have Everything to Gain
I'm aware that I often try (yet often fail) to look at things objectively, rationally and without the trappings and influence of emotion... which means what "makes sense" to me often doesn't align with how things "feel" to others. This is another of those times.
One thing that I've thought about extensively over the last 6 weeks has been why I can't make sense of this choice on your part. I understand if you were unhappy in terms of my relationship to your children. I understand if things would need to change in that regard. I understand if you didn't feel you could tell me what was going on with you out of fear that I wouldn't understand or be supportive (although, to be fair, I believe I always tried to do both of those things for you in all situations... even if I didn't always succeed). I understand if you feel guilty for not being "a better mother" up until now and want to change that.
But you say you love me. It was the last thing you said when you left once and for all.
I was standing there, telling you (as I continue to tell you now) that all I ask is a chance to change how I relate with the kids, to see if I can make them happier and, in turn, make you happier as well. Buy you just say you've "waited over 4 years for that".
First - that isn't entirely true, nor is it fair.
When we met, your mindset was not "If you love me you have to love my kids too" from day one. You lived your life (our life) fairly separated from your life with them. It truly only became a serious issue a couple of years into our relationship. We tried some small things that didn't work... then we tried some *huge* things that improved the situation. Granted, it was still far from perfect, but it was getting better and I was willing to keep doing whatever needed to be done to improve it even more. As you were packing up and pulling yourself from my life (our life) I continued to offer these things, to work even harder on it, to do more and move things that were under my control along more quickly. You hadn't waited over 4 years... it had been maybe a bit over 2... and much of that was spent by me making some *massive* life changes all with the intention of making you and the kids happier. Selling my house that fit the "single life" and building one specifically made for the 6 of us and the life we were diving into together. So, clearly, I showed not only a willingness to make massive changes with you and the kids in mind, I showed the capacity to actually make those changes. I did everything I promised I would in terms of moving our life forward with all 6 of us in mind. It was a monumental effort on my part, and one that I was delighted to make. It gave me purpose, it brought out strength in me and it made me a better person.
It wasn't where it needed to be, but it was moving in the right direction.
We were happy. You were happy. Between just the two of us, there was happiness. Maybe less so during this last year due to all the stress and horrible events that took place, but overall during our time together we were every bit as happy as we appeared to be to the outside. No matter what might have been swimming beneath the surface and no matter how complicated things were due to the children being a part of the equation, we both know that we were *amazing* as a couple. We both know how rare what we had was.
And I'm still standing here, in love with you... cherishing everything about you... It's no bullshit, you may not be perfect, but you really *are* perfect for me. I wouldn't change a thing. And I'm offering to try and give you what you need... both for you and for the kids... yet you still say "no"... "I'm done"
You've decided to part ways, even in the face of all I've done and your supposed love for me.
And that's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I understand that you need things to change... but...
You say from here on out your life is "all about the kids, they are the most important thing now".
Okay, I can respect that. This year has been rife with trauma and it makes sense that your priorities would shift. I've never faulted you for that... in fact, I think I knew that would happen when you called me that night from the ambulance. It wasn't a surprise.
But, here's the thing... it *isn't* all going to be about the kids. You are still going to want to live your own life. Perhaps less so than before, but it's not going to totally disappear. You are still going to have times without them when you'll want a partner. Someone to hold you, someone to share your life with... the little things, like how your day went... and the big things, like whether or not it's time for a massive change in life. You'll get lonely and want companionship like we all do. You're not built to be alone, you never have been. The night we met you practically begged me to either go home with you or take you home with me. Not for sex (although, please, we both know that would have happened) but just because you "hate being alone in that apartment". Those days are going to come again... so you're going to seek out someone to share this life... both the parts of it that are just yours as well as the parts that involve the kids. And that's exactly what I had signed up for... although I understand that I failed on the kids part of it... only, I wasn't done trying. I would never give up on you, on us (and all that entails).
So... let's say a few months pass and you start to seek someone out (or, who knows, maybe you already have). Ultimately you'll hope to find someone you love, find attractive, have shared values with, laugh with, respect and who feels exactly the same way in return about you. Basically, you're going to hope to find the closest thing to me, to us, to what we shared, only with the added bonus of them also loving the kids as much as you need someone to and being willing to take on part of the responsibility of parenting 4 of them.
Let's say you find someone like that... how long do you think that will take? You're incredibly attractive, so you'll have no problem with plenty of people throwing themselves at you. But think of how long we both walked this world before we were lucky enough to find one another. The odds of finding anything close to this again seem to remote to me... after all, in my 45 years before you came along no one was even *close* to who you were and nothing I shared with any of those people came anywhere *near* the incredible thing we had.
But let's say you do find someone. You'll have to take time "for you" with him for a long while first, just to find out whether or not he really is worth the effort of getting into something serious with. And even if everything goes swimmingly, you won't want to involve the kids in anything with him for a few months at a minimum.
So essentially you're taking a gamble that you'll be able to find something close enough to us to make you happy... or, I don't know... maybe you're willing to sacrifice being happy at all... just so long as the kids are happy. And again, I can respect that... I just feel like it's so unnecessary... at least not without really giving us a chance now that we've come to this point, now that you've made it clear how much pain this has caused you and how critical it is for you to have someone put in more effort than I had been.
You're hoping to find someone to make you happy (enough) who is also willing to take on all the things that 4 children also add to the mix.
Only... how long do you think that will take? I know... no one can say... but I do know how rare what we have is... which is exactly why I don't want to let it go, why I'm willing to fight for it with everything I have. Because there's a good chance it will never come again for either of us. After all, it hadn't before.
What I asked of you was just to take a step back. Take a moment and breathe. I'm still right here. I still love you as much as I ever did, as much as I will for the rest of my life. I've known that for some time now and it's exactly why I wanted to be married to you, because I knew that with you I could be happy to the end.
I asked that you just give me a chance to alter where I had been focusing my attention, to let me try to build my relationship with the kids faster, to put more effort into it than I had been. For the last year my focus had been on getting our house built and then turning it into the home we wanted it to be. You needed me to be focusing on them instead. I wasn't aware of that (although I should have been) but now that I know... why not just give me a short amount of time to see if things improve? Why not just wait a month or two? Things won't be "perfect" that quickly, but if you don't see significant changes and feel they are moving in the right direction then okay... then I can say at least you let me try.
It could be years before you find someone to come anywhere near giving you what you need and also giving them what you want for them. And even then, what if it's nowhere near what we shared? It just seems like such a gamble... and such a waste. Seems like you're just deciding to "give up" so much good in the hopes of getting... what? ...something "close"... "close enough" as long as it gives them what you want them to have? I understand that want of yours. But you already have so much of that right here in me, in us. Why not hold onto that for just a little while longer and see if you can also have the parts that have been missing?
I'm willing to try... but I need the opportunity to do so. It just seems so wrong to throw away so much good, so much love... that may never be found again... because you think you can't be happy and the kids be happy as well. I call bullshit on that. You and I are great, we always have been. That part always was (and probably always will be) effortless. That means the work is all on me and all of the effort needs to be focused on them. So why not find out for sure whether or not I can make the kids happy too before you just throw all of it away without even letting me try?
That just makes no sense to me.
I'm telling you, I truly believe that you can have everything you want... both for you, and for them. But for some reason you don't even want to let me try.
I feel like this is going to be the most regrettable thing you will ever do... for both of us.
One thing that I've thought about extensively over the last 6 weeks has been why I can't make sense of this choice on your part. I understand if you were unhappy in terms of my relationship to your children. I understand if things would need to change in that regard. I understand if you didn't feel you could tell me what was going on with you out of fear that I wouldn't understand or be supportive (although, to be fair, I believe I always tried to do both of those things for you in all situations... even if I didn't always succeed). I understand if you feel guilty for not being "a better mother" up until now and want to change that.
But you say you love me. It was the last thing you said when you left once and for all.
I was standing there, telling you (as I continue to tell you now) that all I ask is a chance to change how I relate with the kids, to see if I can make them happier and, in turn, make you happier as well. Buy you just say you've "waited over 4 years for that".
First - that isn't entirely true, nor is it fair.
When we met, your mindset was not "If you love me you have to love my kids too" from day one. You lived your life (our life) fairly separated from your life with them. It truly only became a serious issue a couple of years into our relationship. We tried some small things that didn't work... then we tried some *huge* things that improved the situation. Granted, it was still far from perfect, but it was getting better and I was willing to keep doing whatever needed to be done to improve it even more. As you were packing up and pulling yourself from my life (our life) I continued to offer these things, to work even harder on it, to do more and move things that were under my control along more quickly. You hadn't waited over 4 years... it had been maybe a bit over 2... and much of that was spent by me making some *massive* life changes all with the intention of making you and the kids happier. Selling my house that fit the "single life" and building one specifically made for the 6 of us and the life we were diving into together. So, clearly, I showed not only a willingness to make massive changes with you and the kids in mind, I showed the capacity to actually make those changes. I did everything I promised I would in terms of moving our life forward with all 6 of us in mind. It was a monumental effort on my part, and one that I was delighted to make. It gave me purpose, it brought out strength in me and it made me a better person.
It wasn't where it needed to be, but it was moving in the right direction.
We were happy. You were happy. Between just the two of us, there was happiness. Maybe less so during this last year due to all the stress and horrible events that took place, but overall during our time together we were every bit as happy as we appeared to be to the outside. No matter what might have been swimming beneath the surface and no matter how complicated things were due to the children being a part of the equation, we both know that we were *amazing* as a couple. We both know how rare what we had was.
And I'm still standing here, in love with you... cherishing everything about you... It's no bullshit, you may not be perfect, but you really *are* perfect for me. I wouldn't change a thing. And I'm offering to try and give you what you need... both for you and for the kids... yet you still say "no"... "I'm done"
You've decided to part ways, even in the face of all I've done and your supposed love for me.
And that's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I understand that you need things to change... but...
You say from here on out your life is "all about the kids, they are the most important thing now".
Okay, I can respect that. This year has been rife with trauma and it makes sense that your priorities would shift. I've never faulted you for that... in fact, I think I knew that would happen when you called me that night from the ambulance. It wasn't a surprise.
But, here's the thing... it *isn't* all going to be about the kids. You are still going to want to live your own life. Perhaps less so than before, but it's not going to totally disappear. You are still going to have times without them when you'll want a partner. Someone to hold you, someone to share your life with... the little things, like how your day went... and the big things, like whether or not it's time for a massive change in life. You'll get lonely and want companionship like we all do. You're not built to be alone, you never have been. The night we met you practically begged me to either go home with you or take you home with me. Not for sex (although, please, we both know that would have happened) but just because you "hate being alone in that apartment". Those days are going to come again... so you're going to seek out someone to share this life... both the parts of it that are just yours as well as the parts that involve the kids. And that's exactly what I had signed up for... although I understand that I failed on the kids part of it... only, I wasn't done trying. I would never give up on you, on us (and all that entails).
So... let's say a few months pass and you start to seek someone out (or, who knows, maybe you already have). Ultimately you'll hope to find someone you love, find attractive, have shared values with, laugh with, respect and who feels exactly the same way in return about you. Basically, you're going to hope to find the closest thing to me, to us, to what we shared, only with the added bonus of them also loving the kids as much as you need someone to and being willing to take on part of the responsibility of parenting 4 of them.
Let's say you find someone like that... how long do you think that will take? You're incredibly attractive, so you'll have no problem with plenty of people throwing themselves at you. But think of how long we both walked this world before we were lucky enough to find one another. The odds of finding anything close to this again seem to remote to me... after all, in my 45 years before you came along no one was even *close* to who you were and nothing I shared with any of those people came anywhere *near* the incredible thing we had.
But let's say you do find someone. You'll have to take time "for you" with him for a long while first, just to find out whether or not he really is worth the effort of getting into something serious with. And even if everything goes swimmingly, you won't want to involve the kids in anything with him for a few months at a minimum.
So essentially you're taking a gamble that you'll be able to find something close enough to us to make you happy... or, I don't know... maybe you're willing to sacrifice being happy at all... just so long as the kids are happy. And again, I can respect that... I just feel like it's so unnecessary... at least not without really giving us a chance now that we've come to this point, now that you've made it clear how much pain this has caused you and how critical it is for you to have someone put in more effort than I had been.
You're hoping to find someone to make you happy (enough) who is also willing to take on all the things that 4 children also add to the mix.
Only... how long do you think that will take? I know... no one can say... but I do know how rare what we have is... which is exactly why I don't want to let it go, why I'm willing to fight for it with everything I have. Because there's a good chance it will never come again for either of us. After all, it hadn't before.
What I asked of you was just to take a step back. Take a moment and breathe. I'm still right here. I still love you as much as I ever did, as much as I will for the rest of my life. I've known that for some time now and it's exactly why I wanted to be married to you, because I knew that with you I could be happy to the end.
I asked that you just give me a chance to alter where I had been focusing my attention, to let me try to build my relationship with the kids faster, to put more effort into it than I had been. For the last year my focus had been on getting our house built and then turning it into the home we wanted it to be. You needed me to be focusing on them instead. I wasn't aware of that (although I should have been) but now that I know... why not just give me a short amount of time to see if things improve? Why not just wait a month or two? Things won't be "perfect" that quickly, but if you don't see significant changes and feel they are moving in the right direction then okay... then I can say at least you let me try.
It could be years before you find someone to come anywhere near giving you what you need and also giving them what you want for them. And even then, what if it's nowhere near what we shared? It just seems like such a gamble... and such a waste. Seems like you're just deciding to "give up" so much good in the hopes of getting... what? ...something "close"... "close enough" as long as it gives them what you want them to have? I understand that want of yours. But you already have so much of that right here in me, in us. Why not hold onto that for just a little while longer and see if you can also have the parts that have been missing?
I'm willing to try... but I need the opportunity to do so. It just seems so wrong to throw away so much good, so much love... that may never be found again... because you think you can't be happy and the kids be happy as well. I call bullshit on that. You and I are great, we always have been. That part always was (and probably always will be) effortless. That means the work is all on me and all of the effort needs to be focused on them. So why not find out for sure whether or not I can make the kids happy too before you just throw all of it away without even letting me try?
That just makes no sense to me.
I'm telling you, I truly believe that you can have everything you want... both for you, and for them. But for some reason you don't even want to let me try.
I feel like this is going to be the most regrettable thing you will ever do... for both of us.
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