5 Years Ago Today :: Just About This Time of the Evening
I don't know if the dates line up, but I'm speaking in terms of the Sunday before Labor Day, 5 years ago. The day we first laid eyes on one another.
I know I paid you little attention that day. And that is exactly how it should have been.
Part of who I am, part of my integrity, is being respectful of other people's relationships. I don't linger on the girlfriends of other men.
But I would give anything to go back to that day.
I could avoid the mistake that led to that later being one of the worst nights of my life.
You could avoid going home crying.
I'm not sure how I would have pulled the dick move, since it goes against my nature, to get between you and Martin... but if I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I would have started talking to and flirting with you so relentlessly that eventually he would have just given up and left you there with me. Then we could have started our happy life together a few months earlier.
Going back to that day would also mean I could fix all the mistakes I made between then and now.
But more than anything else, why I wish I could go back to that day is because it would mean I would get to relive it all again with you. Even if I couldn't change anything, even if that night had to end horribly, at least I would know that the next four Sunday nights before Labor Day you would be curled in my arms as we slept. Even if this still had to end after only four and a half years, at least I'd have so much to look forward to with you from that day. So much happiness ahead. Any sadness that also came with it would be worth it. And I guess if I got to live the four and half years over then it would really be like I got nine years with you instead.
But now there is nothing ahead for us, and all that there was is slowly fading into the rear-view.
I was never impatient with our relationship, never in a rush. It was because from pretty early on I knew I wasn't going anywhere and we were so good together that I knew you valued it just like I did. That you wanted to hold onto it with the same fervor. I knew we had a long, wonderful path ahead of us and there would be plenty of time for everything. It made it very easy to relax and actually enjoy our love.
I would tell myself that every birthday, Christmas, New Years... all of them until the end would be with you. There would be endless days of laughter, thousands of nights of making love and an unlimited number of times to see you smile and hear you laugh. There was no need to stress over a lost day or plans that didn't go properly because there would be an infinite number of opportunities for other plans, other days, an infinite number of times when everything *would* be perfect. It calmed me and I looked forward to it immensely with this inner peace I had never known.
But had I known that in reality I would only get four and a half years...
Even if I could go back and start from that day... when the four and a half years was up I would just want to relive it all again... and when that "reliving" was up I'd want to do it again... and again... and again...
So basically, I'd want it for the rest of my life... and that's exactly what I *did* want. That's what I wanted from the start. That's what I wanted when I slipped that engagement ring on your finger. I was already in for the rest of my life. Just because we didn't make it to the formality of saying the words... doesn't matter... I was already "your husband" in my mind and heart for almost a year before this bomb dropped.
I didn't even know you five years and one day ago... but now here I am five years later. Knowing pretty much everything about you and being totally in love with it all.
I guess that's the simple truth... that I love you. I love you now and I'm going to love you for the rest of my life. Even all these years later I still love you just as much as the first time I told you I did through the euphoric haze of Warm Melted Caramel...
Only I have to put it away, put it on a shelf, in a box. I love you but I cannot pay attention to it or act upon it. I simply have to carry it...
...forever.
If only...
I wish.
I know I paid you little attention that day. And that is exactly how it should have been.
Part of who I am, part of my integrity, is being respectful of other people's relationships. I don't linger on the girlfriends of other men.
But I would give anything to go back to that day.
I could avoid the mistake that led to that later being one of the worst nights of my life.
You could avoid going home crying.
I'm not sure how I would have pulled the dick move, since it goes against my nature, to get between you and Martin... but if I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I would have started talking to and flirting with you so relentlessly that eventually he would have just given up and left you there with me. Then we could have started our happy life together a few months earlier.
Going back to that day would also mean I could fix all the mistakes I made between then and now.
But more than anything else, why I wish I could go back to that day is because it would mean I would get to relive it all again with you. Even if I couldn't change anything, even if that night had to end horribly, at least I would know that the next four Sunday nights before Labor Day you would be curled in my arms as we slept. Even if this still had to end after only four and a half years, at least I'd have so much to look forward to with you from that day. So much happiness ahead. Any sadness that also came with it would be worth it. And I guess if I got to live the four and half years over then it would really be like I got nine years with you instead.
But now there is nothing ahead for us, and all that there was is slowly fading into the rear-view.
I was never impatient with our relationship, never in a rush. It was because from pretty early on I knew I wasn't going anywhere and we were so good together that I knew you valued it just like I did. That you wanted to hold onto it with the same fervor. I knew we had a long, wonderful path ahead of us and there would be plenty of time for everything. It made it very easy to relax and actually enjoy our love.
I would tell myself that every birthday, Christmas, New Years... all of them until the end would be with you. There would be endless days of laughter, thousands of nights of making love and an unlimited number of times to see you smile and hear you laugh. There was no need to stress over a lost day or plans that didn't go properly because there would be an infinite number of opportunities for other plans, other days, an infinite number of times when everything *would* be perfect. It calmed me and I looked forward to it immensely with this inner peace I had never known.
But had I known that in reality I would only get four and a half years...
Even if I could go back and start from that day... when the four and a half years was up I would just want to relive it all again... and when that "reliving" was up I'd want to do it again... and again... and again...
So basically, I'd want it for the rest of my life... and that's exactly what I *did* want. That's what I wanted from the start. That's what I wanted when I slipped that engagement ring on your finger. I was already in for the rest of my life. Just because we didn't make it to the formality of saying the words... doesn't matter... I was already "your husband" in my mind and heart for almost a year before this bomb dropped.
I didn't even know you five years and one day ago... but now here I am five years later. Knowing pretty much everything about you and being totally in love with it all.
I guess that's the simple truth... that I love you. I love you now and I'm going to love you for the rest of my life. Even all these years later I still love you just as much as the first time I told you I did through the euphoric haze of Warm Melted Caramel...
Only I have to put it away, put it on a shelf, in a box. I love you but I cannot pay attention to it or act upon it. I simply have to carry it...
...forever.
If only...
I wish.
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