Little to Be Said :: Little Point in Saying It

While my thoughts and feelings haven't changed, the point in saying them seems to have diminished. It's been 2 months and I feel no different. Lost. Purposeless. Frustrated. Sad. Angry. In love. In hate.

Today is 9/11, which means shit all to me. Yeah, yeah, national tragedy, blah blah blah... but there are tragedies constantly and endlessly on some level or another. It did lead me to this though:

You don't care and you'll brush it off or rationalize it... but there is something about this. The fact that at this very moment you are only 10 minutes away from me. Smiling, talking, moving, breathing... and I'm still *right here*. I'm not dead, I'm not spending my last few precious minutes telling you how much I love you... I still have years of loving you left... maybe decades... but you've chosen to cast it aside as if it's as common as the air you're breathing right now.

Imagine what Brian and Jules would give to have those years, those decades. Imagine what they would give to only be 10 minutes from one another, instead of knowing they will never share another moment together again. Such a waste. (not just them... also you and I)

And this pretty much sums up today... I sent it to you, doubt you listened to it. And that's fine, I'm alone in this anyway... but at least it'll be here in case you (or someone else randomly reading this) stumbles across it one day:

(John Legend - All of Me (DJ Kapral Cover Mix)... just in case the vid gets deleted one day)

I remember us listening to the original... watching the video of John and Chrissy... how cute and sweet it was that they were in it together. I'll never know what you thought and felt during moments like that... And I don't know if you'll ever appreciate me trying to explain what they meant to me. Maybe no one will, maybe it's just something that will only make sense to me, will only be important to me. But there was something about seeing things like that and for the first time in my life feeling like I was just as in love as they were. Just as lucky. Just as happy. There was no envy about this famous man with this gorgeous supermodel wife, instead there was this feeling of equality... this thing of "Man, I love that I know what that man feels, I love that I love this woman as much as he loves her, I love that everything he describes is not something I anxiously wish I had or understood, instead it's this secure feeling that I have exactly what he has." There was no bitterness, only this peaceful, calm sense of completeness.

I've seen people all around me for decades with the discontented enmity that life has bestowed upon then. The covetous and envy that they feel bombarded by at every turn. The wish to trade places with someone... and for the first time there was no one on Earth I would want to trade places with even for a single moment. I was truly happy. I was truly content. I was complete.

And he says things like "How many times do I have to tell you... even when you're crying you're beautiful too?". You always brushed it off... and you will here again as well. You thought (or convinced yourself) that I "had to say" that I felt that way because I was with you. NO. I WAS WITH YOU BECAUSE THAT'S TRULY HOW I FELT.  

There was never a moment when I wanted you to be anything other than exactly what/who you were and I was so happy about that. That I knew I finally would never be visited by envy or discontent ever again. The fact that I still adored the living fuck out of you after almost 5 years convinced me of what I was pretty sure I knew from the beginning... that I really was going to be happy with you for the rest of my life.

Like the title says... this is pointless... but I guess it's just me continuing to get it out of my system. Holy shit though... over 2 months and it feels no different at all. This is going to be a LONG fucking "get over it" process.

A fucking waste.

A fucking shame.