One More Thing :: Well, Two More Things
Well... two things, I guess.
First...
Maybe one day I'll be able to explain fully, and maybe you don't care and will never care... but the moment you reached out last night was *exactly* when you should have. After months of wanting to see that name pop up on my phone, the fact that it did suddenly pulled me away from what I was in the middle of and had a profound effect on the day for me. I know you say you wish you hadn't done it, but again in that "[J], fate is screaming at you, listen!" way I hear in my head during important moments in life... you'll never know (well, until I explain one day, maybe) just how much impact it had.
I sat there dumbfounded just thinking "how is it possible that happened at this exact moment?!?!?!". So whether you regret it or not, it might just end up being a much larger turning point in both of our lives than you realize right now... maybe more than you'll ever realize.
And I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I wanted to respond immediately as it was clear you were hurting and you have no idea what that does to me. I was out with a friend and didn't want to be rude and sit on my phone, but I also wanted to really think about what to say before I replied. So I thought about it for hours, unable to sleep, until I finally did.
And the second thing..
I know you say it's none of your business or that you don't care (yes, you do... just like I do)... But it *is* your business because in this heart (that is still all yours) nothing has changed. And maybe I also want to say it because I live for any opportunity to tell you for the zillionth time how much I love you...
I didn't want to go to the F1 dinner. I knew it would be hard. But Diane actually convinced me to buy tickets... not because she wanted to go... she said "What if [Most Beautiful] changes her mind? You'll wish you had tickets to take her... and I'll go if she doesn't, so the money won't be wasted.. but I'll happily step aside the moment she does, even if it's the last minute."
You could have called an hour before the dinner and said "Hey... could I go?" and she would have been ecstatically jumping for joy, probably crying, so happy to see you going instead. She knows how much I love you... and she believes we have (had?) real, true love that she has never seen and she wants to see that "win". She says "You love her so much and if love like that doesn't work out then I give up... how is there any hope for the rest of us?".
You know I never think to take pics, but since this was a rare "dress up" opportunity for her she wanted to. I didn't think about the appearance of it (clearly in the bedroom) until she posted them on FB. I didn't mind, but I did make it a point to post on FB that we are only friends, as well as being clear about that to all at the party... as I could see the rumor mill winding up and I didn't want anything untrue getting back to you and hurting you or fucking up any hope for us in the future.
I don't want to get into how badly I handled J&C... I'm still ashamed of it... but if you do talk to C you can even ask her. She has seen me with you. She has seen how affectionate and loving and doting I was with you. And she can tell you that Diane and I weren't even acting like a "date", just hanging like friends... just like me and Stu, etc. I was even pretty mopey for most of it, especially when the (mistake) drinks started to kick in.
And the last funny/annoying part of it. Diane got way drunk and then even smoked up with a dude there. So when we got back here for her to get her car... she ended up getting sick... yup. I was pretty annoyed as I had to hang out with her for a couple of hours before I trusted that she was sober enough to drive. She wouldn't just let me drop her at home because she didn't want to not have her car in the morning.
The whole time I was kinda peeved thinking "I didn't enjoy when this would happen with [Most Beautiful], but I lived with it because I loved her, so it was worth it... but now I'm babysitting someone I'm not even dating?!?!?!" That kinda tweaked me... and very much was more of this "Dammit, this is the disappointing crap from people I don't want to have to deal with by going back out into the world!!!!"
And since text is always goofy, especially at 2:30am... I'll just state it all again:
This man is 100% yours (still.. yup).
That is *our* bed... we picked out that mattress together and it's *ours*, no one else has even *sat* on it. And DEFINITELY no one has been in it (other than me and fuzzface).
I often don't sleep in it, staying on the couch instead, because I hate getting into that bed without you.
We just used that mirror because it was the only one where we could get a fully body shot. (She wanted to show that she was wearing red shoes)
She's just a friend, always has been, always will be. In fact, we're kinda drifting apart these days as I less and less need someone to rant/cry to and have been hanging with [Normal Guy], [Ex-NFL] and Richard more.
I told you... you're the one for me. I knew that years ago. It's why I put that ring on your finger.
And you know that's true. You know it from the way you felt every time I said it and you know that I meant it each of those times just like I still do today. Still 100% yours.
First...
Maybe one day I'll be able to explain fully, and maybe you don't care and will never care... but the moment you reached out last night was *exactly* when you should have. After months of wanting to see that name pop up on my phone, the fact that it did suddenly pulled me away from what I was in the middle of and had a profound effect on the day for me. I know you say you wish you hadn't done it, but again in that "[J], fate is screaming at you, listen!" way I hear in my head during important moments in life... you'll never know (well, until I explain one day, maybe) just how much impact it had.
I sat there dumbfounded just thinking "how is it possible that happened at this exact moment?!?!?!". So whether you regret it or not, it might just end up being a much larger turning point in both of our lives than you realize right now... maybe more than you'll ever realize.
And I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I wanted to respond immediately as it was clear you were hurting and you have no idea what that does to me. I was out with a friend and didn't want to be rude and sit on my phone, but I also wanted to really think about what to say before I replied. So I thought about it for hours, unable to sleep, until I finally did.
And the second thing..
I know you say it's none of your business or that you don't care (yes, you do... just like I do)... But it *is* your business because in this heart (that is still all yours) nothing has changed. And maybe I also want to say it because I live for any opportunity to tell you for the zillionth time how much I love you...
I didn't want to go to the F1 dinner. I knew it would be hard. But Diane actually convinced me to buy tickets... not because she wanted to go... she said "What if [Most Beautiful] changes her mind? You'll wish you had tickets to take her... and I'll go if she doesn't, so the money won't be wasted.. but I'll happily step aside the moment she does, even if it's the last minute."
You could have called an hour before the dinner and said "Hey... could I go?" and she would have been ecstatically jumping for joy, probably crying, so happy to see you going instead. She knows how much I love you... and she believes we have (had?) real, true love that she has never seen and she wants to see that "win". She says "You love her so much and if love like that doesn't work out then I give up... how is there any hope for the rest of us?".
You know I never think to take pics, but since this was a rare "dress up" opportunity for her she wanted to. I didn't think about the appearance of it (clearly in the bedroom) until she posted them on FB. I didn't mind, but I did make it a point to post on FB that we are only friends, as well as being clear about that to all at the party... as I could see the rumor mill winding up and I didn't want anything untrue getting back to you and hurting you or fucking up any hope for us in the future.
I don't want to get into how badly I handled J&C... I'm still ashamed of it... but if you do talk to C you can even ask her. She has seen me with you. She has seen how affectionate and loving and doting I was with you. And she can tell you that Diane and I weren't even acting like a "date", just hanging like friends... just like me and Stu, etc. I was even pretty mopey for most of it, especially when the (mistake) drinks started to kick in.
And the last funny/annoying part of it. Diane got way drunk and then even smoked up with a dude there. So when we got back here for her to get her car... she ended up getting sick... yup. I was pretty annoyed as I had to hang out with her for a couple of hours before I trusted that she was sober enough to drive. She wouldn't just let me drop her at home because she didn't want to not have her car in the morning.
The whole time I was kinda peeved thinking "I didn't enjoy when this would happen with [Most Beautiful], but I lived with it because I loved her, so it was worth it... but now I'm babysitting someone I'm not even dating?!?!?!" That kinda tweaked me... and very much was more of this "Dammit, this is the disappointing crap from people I don't want to have to deal with by going back out into the world!!!!"
And since text is always goofy, especially at 2:30am... I'll just state it all again:
This man is 100% yours (still.. yup).
That is *our* bed... we picked out that mattress together and it's *ours*, no one else has even *sat* on it. And DEFINITELY no one has been in it (other than me and fuzzface).
I often don't sleep in it, staying on the couch instead, because I hate getting into that bed without you.
We just used that mirror because it was the only one where we could get a fully body shot. (She wanted to show that she was wearing red shoes)
She's just a friend, always has been, always will be. In fact, we're kinda drifting apart these days as I less and less need someone to rant/cry to and have been hanging with [Normal Guy], [Ex-NFL] and Richard more.
I told you... you're the one for me. I knew that years ago. It's why I put that ring on your finger.
And you know that's true. You know it from the way you felt every time I said it and you know that I meant it each of those times just like I still do today. Still 100% yours.
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