The Diane Situation :: Not Complicated At All

Now that you've read all of this, my guess is you probably won't come back to it. In which case it's just my private place in public once again to say what I need to say without burdening you with it.

That said... maybe you will wander back at some point. If so, I want something to be very clear since there seems to be gossip, rumor and straight-up lies being told.

Diane is my friend. Nothing more.
Diane has been nothing but a friend from the start and throughout.
Diane will always be only a friend.
Diane and I have never even held hands.
Diane wants exactly the same from me. Nothing more.

Mostly because I'm still in love with you, but also because a friend is what we both need more than anything right now... and lastly because I don't feel any attraction to her (physical, emotional, or otherwise). I need a friend and she's a good one... and even if I did find her attractive (which I don't... I mean, yes, she's pretty, but I don't see her like that) I'm not going to jeopardize a friendship while in the midst of the emotional hurricane I still find myself.
I know you don't like Eva... but to me she is exactly like that. An attractive woman that I only look at as a friend and will always see her that way only.

I never even noticed other women when you and I were together. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean my feelings have suddenly evaporated. No one compares to you... even now... and that's how it's going to be for a very, very long time for me. I can't help it if you didn't believe me when I said that to you time and time again when we were together... and I'm even more sorry if you can't believe it now.

I'm not a piece of shit, and I don't have to jump onto just anyone simply because they are around. For some time my situation is going to be simple... If I can't be with you, then I'll be alone. And even when the day finally comes if/when I'm not alone... I already know I'll just be settling. I'm sorry if you don't believe me when I say that and the real shame is that you don't feel the same way about me.

Until I'm in a place where I can actually fairly, truly, care for someone again then getting involved with anyone would be a sad band-aid which would only be a bad situation for everyone. Right now all I would be doing is dragging someone into my emotional turmoil to use them... and, as I said, I'm not a piece of shit. I don't do that.
I made that mistake once. It was the worst thing I ever did (when I was much younger and stupider and more careless with peoples' emotions). I told you the hospital was the second worst thing I had ever done (but the one thing I would change)... well, using someone when I was an emotional mess was the worst... and I will never fucking ever do that to someone ever again.

The Back Story
A couple of weeks after we broke up our "ex-NFL friend" had one of his "ingenious" ideas that he should introduce me to his accountant... because she's "just my type"... [Most Beautiful]'s age (34), brunette and "totally hot" (well, "hot" in his view anyway, after all... we all know his wife).

I was happy to meet her, mostly because I need all the friends I can get right now, but I had no intention of it being anything more. Yet, this being [ex-NFL], his solution for everything is always so simple and in his mind, me being around some random attractive girl would surely be exactly what I needed to "get over [Most Beautiful]".
Yeah, because all I have to do is see any attractive woman and suddenly "poof!" all of my deep, soulful feelings and true love for [Most Beautiful] evaporates.

He's a fucking idiot.


Diane met up with [ex-NFL] and me out for drinks one night and it was fine. I didn't say much, I mostly watched [ex-NFL] flirt with her relentlessly. So basically, in the usual [ex-NFL] way, he wants *me* to fuck someone because he really wants to himself but he can't since he's married. Whatever. He doesn't get it at all and the man is about as emotionally deep as a puddle.

She was nice enough, attractive, I guess... but I only have eyes for one woman on Earth right now (and the foreseeable future) and Diane wasn't her, so she might as well have been invisible. I didn't tell her anything about my/our situation since I didn't want to burden a stranger with a bunch of heavy emotional shit. But I gave her my card, we parted ways and that was that. No biggie.

[ex-NFL] invited me out to dinner with Kelly, Nancy and "J"&"C" a week later. It was the weekend before J&C were going to go ahead and fly off on what was supposed to be our wedding trip. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to face them and the humiliation of all this. I didn't want to have to tell Kelly that we had broken up. That I had failed. That the "cutest couple" everyone knew had crumbled apart into a tragic mess. And I was sure that J&C were going to see me as the villain in all this. How could I have treated [Most Beautiful] so badly that she felt she had to run away from me?!? I hated the idea all around and just wanted to stay home where I couldn't do any more damage to anyone.

[ex-NFL] wouldn't take no for an answer, so I went, but only because he told Kelly "They aren't together, he doesn't want to talk about it, so don't even *mention* it!". He also instructed J&C not to talk about it either or else I wouldn't go and he really didn't want me sitting at home.

He invited Diane again without me knowing until I got there. But that actually worked out nicely as she and I talked some more and that meant I could avoid talking to our friends about what happened with you and I. It was safe and a break from the thoughts of us which were assaulting me constantly.

At some point J&C started talking about the trip and it became clear it was upsetting me, so Diane wanted to know what was going on with all of us. I finally told her "I was supposed to get married this coming Thursday... she broke it off two weeks ago. I'm devastated." Needless to say, Diane was floored.
"Wow... you are... really keeping it together well"
"Nope... only because I'm out in public right now. I'm a fucking mess."

We mostly avoided the topic for the rest of the night, but at some point C looked at me, motioned to Diane and made a snarky little remark: "Version 2.0, huh?".
I immediately pulled her aside and told her "That is absolutely NOT the case and don't even fucking joke about that. I love [Most Beautiful] with all my heart and all I want in this whole fucking world is her. Nobody else. Don't even start saying shit like that. I'm trying hard to get us to work this out, you say shit like that and you'll fuck up any hope... if there even is any hope left anyway."
C walked away with me thinking she understood just how serious I was. But I have no idea what shit she's been spreading. After all, she loves all that reality TV drama bullshit so I can see her playing it up. And I'm sure you two are still communicating, so I have no idea what she told you, but if it was anything other than "There was this other woman there but Jeff never even touched her or flirted wither her once." then she's lying.

Kelly was there too... and he'll tell you the same thing.

So the Thursday that was to be our wedding day was obviously a very rough one for me. And surprisingly, the one person that remembered that and reached out to me was Diane. I had forgotten I gave her my card since she never reached over over the couple of weeks since we first met. She said she figured today might be a bad one and if I wanted to just get out we could go do something. So we went and grabbed drinks at The Rooftop (where I wished so desperately I could be with you instead). The entire night ended up being me just telling her all about us, about how good it was, how happy we were, why it was complicated and why it had fallen apart... although I couldn't really explain that last part. I knew there were reasons but the fact that I couldn't convince you to let me try and salvage something so good, something we had put so much love and work into... I was totally lost. I was totally destroyed.

We hung out a few more times and it was pretty much the same. Just me upset, venting about you for hours... my anger and sadness... and at no point did Diane and I behave in any way other than as friends.

She came to an FCA breakfast (the one I invited to take "Ky" or "Tr" with me... but you just ignored the offer ... did you even ask them if they would like to go or did you just decide for all 6 of us that this is how things are going to be?!?!?!). She came to the breakfast not as my "date" but to see the Mercedes of one of our friends because she was about to buy one (and did). She ended up hanging with that person and getting info on the car while I did the usual and bounced around talking to our friends. Some had already heard... I guess [ex-NFL]'s fucking mouthy wife just couldn't wait to spread the gossip about us (because no one else who knew was there.. J&C didn't go to that one).

The funny thing about Diane is what she wanted most of all throughout this is for you and I to work it out and be together. She had a shitty marriage to a real piece of shit. She was left with sole custody of 3 kids who are H, M and T's ages. She knows the struggle of trying to find a decent person who not only loves you but is willing to take on the obligation of a gaggle of children. Only her expectations for a step-father type are significantly different from yours. Much more realistic from the viewpoint of other step-parents I know and even my therapist. In other words, she would kill to have a man love her the way I did you and to have done the things I did for you, for them, for us. She finds it very frustrating that you not only walked away from that, but that you weren't even willing to let this man who adores you try to make you happy (yet again).
She says she can tell by the way I talk about you that I loved you truly and deeply and she hates to think that even love like that can't work out. In other words, if you you and I can't make it... what hope is there for others who come nowhere near loving each other as we did?

She even bet me that you'd "come around" and we'd be back together within 6 months. I have it in my phone calendar.. but I already knew she was going to lose that bet. I know you. I could tell that you weren't coming back this time.

And so I guess that's it. We still talk almost daily.. text or whatever. We go to dinner sometimes and I try to not spend the entire meal talking/ranting about you. We talk about the guys she's dating and how shitty they are... how all they want is a hookup and how they don't want to even entertain a relationship if it means having to deal with 3 kids one day.

And that's it. We're friends. That's all I want from her. It's all I'll ever want from her. Even when I do meet someone that I'm interested in one day, it won't be Diane. She's been my support and my cheerleader for trying to convince you to give us a shot at making the kids happier... which you have just ignored constantly.

I don't know if you ever believed me when I would tell you this... BUT YOU FUCKING SHOULD. As long as you're anywhere near my view, in my heart, in my head, or if there is hope that I can one day hold you again... YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OTHER WOMAN. THEY DON'T EXIST FOR ME. I FOUND MY ONE. YOU WERE IT.

And I'm trying, slowly, but haven't yet let that go. It's going to take a very, very, very long time. I knew that already when you decided to do this, which is why it was so devastating to me. I knew how much pain was coming.
And the only thing that's making me really give up hope, to really make myself start to let go, to stop imaging that maybe I will get to do cool things with H,M,K & T again, that I might get to hold you again... the thing that is forcing me to let me hope die...

Is you basically telling me you're now sucking some other guy's dick.

Sorry to be so crude about it, but those are the painful images (along with many, many others) that I have to fight to keep out of my head each and every day now.

Am I fucking someone else? No, that's not me... I've not even held anyone's hand. Why? Because I really did love you and I'm still in love with you and that doesn't just "go away" this quickly.
You're the one who moved on in a flash of lightning. And I can't even understand how you could so quickly and easily if you had the love for me you claimed to. But that's another discussion, I guess.

I'm fairly certain you were lying to me for quite some time if you were able to "get over" your love for me so fast.

So, once again...

I love(d) *you* more.