Two Questions

I guess I'll always have unanswered questions... and time (and any interactions we have) just seem to add more. I was so used to knowing (or *thinking* I knew) what was going on in your head for years that it feels odd not knowing your mindset now at all.

First...
What did you want, or want to happen, when you reached out to me?

And  I don't want to hear about how it was a mistake and you apologize for it. I get that. But that doesn't answer the question, it just avoids it.
The question is simple... when you reached out, what did you want to accomplish with that? I don't believe you just wanted to toy with me, that isn't who you are (not if you are the person I believed you to be) and I don't believe you just wanted to remind me how I failed you or how I "wasn't what you needed". You aren't cruel, so something else pushed you.
Honestly, what made you reach out? And what, in your wildest dreams, would you have wanted to come from that? I feel like I reacted exactly how you could have ever wanted, yet still.. here we are. Me still standing right in front of you, offering exactly what you said you needed... and you still (wrongly) convinced (or convincing yourself) that you can't have (or don't deserve) what you say you (and they) need. And you're wrong.

Yet, here we are.

Second...
Why won't you let me help you?

You say "you're lost"... and I get that. I believe it's your version of me saying I'm "on the wrong bus". And you seem overwhelmed with life and K and [Longhorn Fan] not handling things like you need... and I have no idea what the story is with your recent romance, but you definitely don't seem to be getting the support you need there (if you're reaching out to me in any way), so I'm assuming that isn't working out like you needed... or who knows.

Yet when I offer to help, to carry some of the load, to be the partner you need... (and not about us, but about them)... you won't reach out. It's as if you've decided you have no choice but to accept this situation and all the crap that's coming down on you. That really isn't like you (from my experience)... you were never the "just suffer through it" type. And essentially you're saying that being lost and alone (to whatever extent) is better than having me involved at all. That makes me sad... and makes me feel very... worthless.

And again... you're wrong.

I just hope that if you ever do change your mind and decide to lean on me, too much time will not have been wasted... or too much will not have changed... or too much damage will not have been done. But in any case, I still don't understand why you're so convinced that this unhappiness for you is how it has to be. I simply don't believe that to be true.

But, I also know I'm only seeing all of this through my own perception and filtering it through my rational way of looking at things... so I can't speak to your overall picture and what you're dealing with. I only know the glimpses you've given me. But I still believe, just like in the early days when you used to praise how much easier I was making life for you, at my core that's still the person I am... just with shifted priorities now. And I know I have these strengths to carry things that weigh on you too much. It's sad if you don't believe that too.