Wishing Everywhere :: Seeing Nowhere
Lately when I'm out anywhere (which is rare... the nights I can manage to find plans with friends they seem to pass in seconds yet the days between drag like weeks) there is always a moment when I suddenly, intensely wish you would suddenly appear. Dinner and drinks at Cru: wishing you would come in the door, unaware I would be there... Cocktails on the rooftop at Dogwood: wishing you would be standing near the rail with a glass in your hand as my group enters... Steaks at Fleming's: wishing you would be seated at the bar enjoying a glass of wine as the hostess greets me with familiarity.
I don't know what I would say... it probably wouldn't go well anyway. I'm sure you'd be cold and emotionless, annoyed that I've interrupted your rocket-propelled trajectory of moving away from me, from us, as quickly as possible; forgetting we ever existed at all as soon as possible since that's "easier" (for you... fucking heartless).
On the more frequent nights when I must pass the moments in solitude... each tick of the clock dragging for an eternity like a dying man crawling pointlessly across the desert floor beneath the assaulting sun... each time headlights illuminate the frosted glass of our beautiful, huge front door I wish it were you pulling into the driveway. A surprise visit. The need to be near me just as I so desperately wish to be near you again.
But it never is any of those things. I'm quite certain if I didn't keep weakly reaching out to you every few days I would never hear from you again. So fucking cold.
Less than 3 weeks ago you were going to stand with me and proclaim that we would be together forever, all way, to the end (bitter or otherwise) and now you don't even have the desire to reach out just to see how I am. I could be dead right now and you wouldn't even know (and judging by your actions, you don't care).
It's hard to not feel like I've been lied to for weeks or months. If you cared at all during the last few months like you said you did then you wouldn't be able to just turn it all off like a faucet.
Each day I step a bit closer. I can feel it now. It's in my head more than anything else. Some little "click" is going to make me finally say "Okay... now" and it will be done. And I wonder how long before you'll even know... my fucking "wife"... my fucking "partner" who in just 3 weeks managed to now not give a shit whether I exist at all.
"I love you."
"I love you more."
Fuck you, you fucking liar.
I don't know what I would say... it probably wouldn't go well anyway. I'm sure you'd be cold and emotionless, annoyed that I've interrupted your rocket-propelled trajectory of moving away from me, from us, as quickly as possible; forgetting we ever existed at all as soon as possible since that's "easier" (for you... fucking heartless).
On the more frequent nights when I must pass the moments in solitude... each tick of the clock dragging for an eternity like a dying man crawling pointlessly across the desert floor beneath the assaulting sun... each time headlights illuminate the frosted glass of our beautiful, huge front door I wish it were you pulling into the driveway. A surprise visit. The need to be near me just as I so desperately wish to be near you again.
But it never is any of those things. I'm quite certain if I didn't keep weakly reaching out to you every few days I would never hear from you again. So fucking cold.
Less than 3 weeks ago you were going to stand with me and proclaim that we would be together forever, all way, to the end (bitter or otherwise) and now you don't even have the desire to reach out just to see how I am. I could be dead right now and you wouldn't even know (and judging by your actions, you don't care).
It's hard to not feel like I've been lied to for weeks or months. If you cared at all during the last few months like you said you did then you wouldn't be able to just turn it all off like a faucet.
Each day I step a bit closer. I can feel it now. It's in my head more than anything else. Some little "click" is going to make me finally say "Okay... now" and it will be done. And I wonder how long before you'll even know... my fucking "wife"... my fucking "partner" who in just 3 weeks managed to now not give a shit whether I exist at all.
"I love you."
"I love you more."
Fuck you, you fucking liar.
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