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The Beginning :: The Point of This

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The point of this is simple. I still have so much to say, still feel so much, but can no longer say it to the only person that is meant to hear it. I can no longer reach out to you, in so doing I would only go from lucky, happy, loving fiancee to bothersome ex who simply can't let it go. It is likely that you will never read any of this, and perhaps that's for the best, but this at least allows me to say all the things swirling in my chaotic thoughts. A catharsis of the deeply bruised heart. 5 weeks ago you were smiling, laughing. We were making plans and making love. We were happy (or so it seemed... to everyone... and to me). 3 weeks after that we were to wed on the beach, you in the dress I was never allowed to see (but were so radiantly happy when you brought it home, bundled away from my anticipating eyes). 4 weeks ago you brought it all crashing down with no warning. A last-minute change of heart that you said had actually been building for a while. A pain that you
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Happy Un-niversary :: Your Timeline Problem

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We would have been married 2 years ago today. I would have cried trying to get my vows out. We would have met our friends and my family for dinner near the beach and I would have said the words "My wife" for the first time in my life. ... I doubt I come to mind for you very much at all anymore, but I still think of you at some point every single day. And that isn't hyperbole or exaggeration. Every. Single. Day. Of course, what I think is "You lying, cheating, fucking ungrateful cunt whore." but still, at some point, every day, you come to mind. It doesn't matter who I'm with, where I'm at, who I'm fucking or laughing with or playing video games with or swimming with or have riding next to me in the red car... whether I'm here or in California or New York...  if I'm with friends driving a Ferrari on the private test track in Italy... One way or another, you come to mind every day. And it's never pleasant. There is no happin
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It All Makes Sense Now :: You Total Fucking Lying, Cheating, Cunt Whore

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Yellow Spray Paint

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That's a confusing title... and hopefully you'll never know what it means...  but maybe you will one day, I can't say how things are going to play out. I will only say this... I'm done here... this time for real. You come here either to massage your ego with how much I'm still destroyed over you and how in love with you I still am... or waiting for me to say "Everything is okay" so that you can no longer feel guilty about how you treated me, how you lied to me for months and how you handled things in the end. Although, honestly, I don't think you have any guilt at all.. you sure as fuck haven't shown any. Well, things are not okay...and it isn't every going to be okay for me. Not for a long long long fucking time... if ever at all. This has been possibly the worst 7 months of my life... and one of the darkest periods I've ever endured. But every time I write here I break rule #1 with my therapist, which is to have no contact with
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You Just Don't Fucking Get It

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Just because you're happy sucking some other guy's dick doesn't mean everything is all peachy for everyone. I still have to take drugs every day just to keep myself from getting so depressed that I put a bullet through my head. You will never understand just how much destruction you've left behind you. My life is completely fucked. So just because you ended up in a good place, quit thinking everything is okay. It's not. For me it's all still complete shit. When you first told me... just 8 weeks after we were supposed to wed "I'm seeing someone, I wish you all the best!". Are you fucking kidding me with that "everything is great!" chipper bullshit?!?!??! When are you going to fucking understand just how much damage and pain you have caused? Like... right now... this very moment... what does our relationship cost you? And I don't just mean financially... i mean emotionally, psychologically... fucking NOTHING. Yet I s
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I Have a Weird Feeling in My Gut

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And they always say you should trust that when it happens. I'm getting weird vibes from certain friends of mine. I don't ask questions that I don't want to hear the answers to, so I don't want to know... but I certainly hope there is no truth to these little hints I'm getting from people. I certainly hope you're at least a decent person. Because if I find out that what I'm getting this feeling about is true... Let's just say it's not going to end well for any of us. I'm angry with you about what you did to me 7 months ago, but that's to be expected... I certainly hope you haven't done something truly despicable and unforgivable and so hurtful to me that it makes me hate you to the core forever. If this turns out to be true then I'm fucking out . I would like to think that I know you better than that... but at this point I don't trust you at all and question whether or not I ever really knew who you were. So I can easil
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It's Been a Great Couple of Months

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My Birthday: Sat alone in the house. Thanksgiving: Sat alone in the house. Christmas: Sat alone in the house. New Year's: Sat alone in the house. Valentine's: Sat alone in the house. "Our house..."our".... fucking bullshit. I've now been in "our" house longer than you lived here with me. You're a fucking coward. You're a fucking liar. Hope you're having a wonderful time fucking whatever random dude you're fucking now. And I say random since you could have only known him a short time when you started fucking him soon after we were supposed to marry. Although I get the feeling that whomever you're fucking now isn't the same random dude you were fucking right after you broke it off. Which means you're already on to yet another random dude. What a whore. And if it isn't some "random" dude.. if it's someone you knew when we were together... well then that makes you a lying, cheating fucking whor
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Happy Birthday to the Bickerers and Cheaters :: Tomorrow

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Yesterday was Ex-NFL's birthday. His bitch wife was up his ass the entire time, snipping at him when he did little unimportant things that irritated her. Again, I think to myself... we were never like that. We were never *going* to be like that.. yet those two fuckers are *still* together and we're not. Makes no fucking sense to me... and is such a waste. And when she's not around his old antics continue... although with the way she acts I can't blame him. He often talks of divorce... then a few days later he's back to "things are getting better!"... so clearly he got her to lay him and so he forgets his misery for a few days. We were out with two attractive female friends of mine last week, one of whom, like him, is unhappily married. At some point they were dancing and grinding on each other. It's clear he'd like to fuck her if he had the chance. And, again, it pisses me off and makes me think how shitty that is. That people are in these sh
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