Letters to My Wife

I'm slowly... very, very slowly... getting my thoughts under control. I have conversations/arguments in my head with you less frequently and each day I torture myself less and less with the memories of us and the thoughts of future memories that will never be. But the one thing I can't control are the dreams. The fucking dreams. Over the last few months I would sometimes have one where we were talking, working things out, or we were right back where we used to be... happy... well, *I* was happy anyway, I still have no idea where your lying self was in all of this. But for two nights in a row now I've had dreams where we were together again. You were right in front of me and I was able to reach out and hold you. I got to see you smile. I got to hear your voice. I got to tell you things. The dynamic was still tense, but at least you were near and you were smiling as we talked about how to fix things. Last night you were here with just the girls (not sure why it was ...

When exactly did you know you might not go through with the wedding? When I was standing there in that ridiculous blue suit in the store, did you already know you might bail out? What about when I was making the wedding hotel/flight plans? Did you already know then? How long were you lying to me? Did you ever pass on my invitation to do things with you and kids to them? What about when I offered to take any one of them to a breakfast? Did you show Kyle the picture of the LF I got for him? Or did you just keep it all to yourself, essentially deciding for all 6 of us that we weren't going to spend time together ever again? What did you do with my wedding ring? Did you return it or do you still have it? Was it just too much hassle to return or is there some little part of you that still might want to see it on my finger one day? (as of now I still have both of yours) Do the kids know that I have never stopped offering to work this out? Do they know that this didn...

While my thoughts and feelings haven't changed, the point in saying them seems to have diminished. It's been 2 months and I feel no different. Lost. Purposeless. Frustrated. Sad. Angry. In love. In hate. Today is 9/11, which means shit all to me. Yeah, yeah, national tragedy, blah blah blah... but there are tragedies constantly and endlessly on some level or another. It did lead me to this though: You don't care and you'll brush it off or rationalize it... but there is something about this. The fact that at this very moment you are only 10 minutes away from me. Smiling, talking, moving, breathing... and I'm still *right here*. I'm not dead, I'm not spending my last few precious minutes telling you how much I love you... I still have years of loving you left... maybe decades... but you've chosen to cast it aside as if it's as common as the air you're breathing right now. Imagine what Brian and Jules would give to have those years, those ...

...taking my laptop to bed to watch Critical Role, even when I wasn't sleepy, just because I wanted to be next to you. Sometimes I would run my fingers through your hair as you slept... and you never knew. ...showing you the beautiful worlds I was discovering in whatever video game I was playing at the time (The Witness, Rime, Uncharted, Mass Effect, Horizon: Zero Dawn, etc.) ...making you coffee. I rarely drank it before you came along and the machine hasn't really even been used since you left. ...kissing your lower back. ...setting the alarm clock for you at night. ...bringing you anything you needed to the side door at school. Especially the times when you had a free moment and wanted me to come in and stay with you for a little while. I loved being in your classroom with you. ...smelling your perfume(s). I especially liked how they would linger even after you had left. It always made me smile and think how much I loved you and how I couldn't wait for you to...

I don't know if the dates line up, but I'm speaking in terms of the Sunday before Labor Day, 5 years ago. The day we first laid eyes on one another. I know I paid you little attention that day. And that is exactly how it should have been. Part of who I am, part of my integrity, is being respectful of other people's relationships. I don't linger on the girlfriends of other men. But I would give anything to go back to that day. I could avoid the mistake that led to that later being one of the worst nights of my life. You could avoid going home crying. I'm not sure how I would have pulled the dick move, since it goes against my nature, to get between you and Martin... but if I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I would have started talking to and flirting with you so relentlessly that eventually he would have just given up and left you there with me. Then we could have started our happy life together a few months earlier. Going back to that d...