Letters to My Wife

I used to have a fantastic life. Now I can't be done with it soon enough. How does it feel to know I'd be happier right now if you never existed at all? How does it feel to know my life would be better off today if you had never been born? I sure hope you're smiling and laughing and having a great time fucking whomever the random cocksucker is that you're fucking now, because you fucked me over so completely and my life is now total shit. Last time I had a shit birthday was 5 years ago. Funny thing that... This year I get to spend $11K on taxes for a house that was bought just to meet the responsibilities that came with you and another man's kids... but hey, I never did anything for you and I'm selfish, right? And I'm repaid for all of this by you fucking another guy. Or hell, maybe "guys" at this point. Thanks so much.

I think I've said all I have to say... most things I've said multiple times and you clearly don't give a shit, so I think that's enough. I made a mistake in an emotional moment when I pointed you here, I should have just sent screenshots. Now this is no longer a place where I can come "scream into the void" and get things off of my chest. Once I opened it up to you it became a method of (unrequited) direct communication that now just leaves me even more depressed. I failed to see what a bad position I was putting myself in... once again at your mercy to treat me like a worthless piece of shit. I've come here numerous times and laid out all that I have to offer... each time getting nothing but silence from you. And each time it now only serves to make me feel bad about myself (while, I'm sure, making you feel great about yourself). I can't deal with that any more. I think I understand why you come here... it strokes your ego massively. I'

I'm in Dallas. It was a mistake. My plan is to not come up for Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas this year. I just want to skip the holidays all together. But Eva convinced me to come up and meet some of her friends, to get out of Austin for a weekend and clear my head. Since I'm still in my "say yes to everything" period I decided it would be a good excuse to see the parents and K & D since I'm not coming up again this year. I Didn't really expect it to hit me the way it did. I didn't realize that I haven't made this trip solo in 5 years and I was only in this house one time without you (the holidays right when you and I had started dating). The trip up (and being in this house)... just a *massive*, painful wave of memories of us. I had to stop for gas/bathroom on the way here and immediately remembered it was a place we had stopped at when you desperately needed a restroom once. Memories of stopping for kolaches when I went through W

That's worth repeating this morning.

I guess I'll always have unanswered questions... and time (and any interactions we have) just seem to add more. I was so used to knowing (or *thinking* I knew) what was going on in your head for years that it feels odd not knowing your mindset now at all. First... What did you want, or want to happen, when you reached out to me? And  I don't want to hear about how it was a mistake and you apologize for it. I get that. But that doesn't answer the question, it just avoids it. The question is simple... when you reached out, what did you want to accomplish with that? I don't believe you just wanted to toy with me, that isn't who you are (not if you are the person I believed you to be) and I don't believe you just wanted to remind me how I failed you or how I "wasn't what you needed". You aren't cruel, so something else pushed you. Honestly, what made you reach out? And what, in your wildest dreams, would you have wanted to come from that? I

I hope you're going to get a chance to vote tomorrow. It definitely seems like it matters now. I wish we were going to go do it together like we always had fun doing it before. That's something that eats at me... as I see more and more horrible shit going on that makes it seem like things are going in the wrong direction... it scares me... because I'm not around to protect you. It's silly, I know... I just sometimes worry about little you (and them) in this big world as things seem to be getting worse. Hopefully tomorrow won't end like that night in November, 2016.

The more time I spend and the more people I meet and the more things I do with them the more I realize (what I already knew would be the case)... nothing is ever going to be as good as it was with us. I really hope you're having a great time (that's sarcasm, BTW), because I'm not. Nothing but disappointments at every turn.

All I can say to you is "Things change". If you honestly step back and look at our relationship, look at how much changed during those 4.5 years (especially in the last 1.5). Why would you think that they wouldn't continue to change or that they couldn't change specifically in ways you need them to? Why would you think *I* wouldn't continue to change things when I had clearly done that repeatedly to try and get us to a happier place all the time? Why would you think that when being faced with completely losing everything I had worked 4 years for ...for you, for them, for us... losing everything that was paving the road for *the rest of our lives* ... why would you think I wouldn't change when faced with losing all of that ? :: At no point during any of this did I tell you that you were wrong or argue with you about how you needed to just accept things as they were. From the very start of this... I spent the 3 days from when we talked on the phon