Letters to My Wife

Well... two things, I guess. First... Maybe one day I'll be able to explain fully, and maybe you don't care and will never care... but the moment you reached out last night was *exactly* when you should have. After months of wanting to see that name pop up on my phone, the fact that it did suddenly pulled me away from what I was in the middle of and had a profound effect on the day for me. I know you say you wish you hadn't done it, but again in that "[J], fate is screaming at you, listen!" way I hear in my head during important moments in life... you'll never know (well, until I explain one day, maybe) just how much impact it had. I sat there dumbfounded just thinking "how is it possible that happened at this exact moment?!?!?!". So whether you regret it or not, it might just end up being a much larger turning point in both of our lives than you realize right now... maybe more than you'll ever realize. And I'm sorry it took me so long t...

For months now I have had this feeling. This "not myself" feeling. As if I'm walking 5-10 feet beside myself, like I'm in the wrong place every moment of every day. Even if I'm in familiar places with familiar friends and it is what should be a comfortable, happy time. I just feel.... "off". I realized what it reminds me of. I'm not sure if this ever happened to you as a child, but once in grade school I got on the wrong bus to go home (the bus number in the morning was different from the afternoon, but I got on the "morning" one after school). That's how I feel now. Like I can see everything passing by me, it's all familiar, but I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be and the path I'm on isn't heading where I want to go... and that I have no control to stop it, I'm just forced to go along for the ride. That's exactly how this all feels, like I am absolutely *not* where I'm supposed to be and *not* go...

I hate how we never do well now when we aren't talking face to face. So much emotion in it over stupid ass texts and not much better with phone calls. That's precisely why I wanted to go to counseling. I fucking loved you and would do anything for you, so I wanted you to feel like you were in a place where you could say what you needed to as you clearly had gotten to some place (due to my actions, I can own that) where you didn't feel you could. You were wrong... I loved you and would listen to anything you had to say and would have tried to give you what you needed if you told me how important it was or how much you were hurting. That keeps me up at night. But if you needed a safe place with a third party there I wanted to give you that... I wanted to give you anything required for you to just be able to tell me what you needed and to let me try. I hate how completely fucking trashed this beautiful relationship ended up.. and so god damned quickly (seemingly, to me) this...

(Hold on tight.. this one is angry as fuck) So I talked to someone about the house... They estimate I can sell it right now for 370-380. So let's start there... That means I'm already losing 30K-40K form what we I paid. Plus the realtor's fees on the sale at that level would be around 22K. So now I'm out around 50K-60K. I pulled the numbers and I've put about 12K into making the house our "home" over the last year... The shed, garage door openers, the door hardware, indoor and outdoor blinds, the electrical work, fans, cabinet hardware and soft close hinges, the shelves I built in the bathrooms and things I've done to upgrade the garage. So all totaled, if I were to try to sell now I'd be out somewhere around 62K-72K . Almost 2 years of your fucking salary, just gone from my savings and into the wind. All because I trusted you. Fuck. And that's what fucking pisses me off. I saw this coming when you decided to end this. What I ...

I actually don't sit around counting the days, but I figure it'll be a while before I don't notice "the 26th" of any month... and I'm sure when July 26th rolls around for years I'll think "shit... this would have been our anniversary". And I'll always be reminded of July 5th every time the 4th rolls around and that horrible fucking text/phone call comes painfully to mind. Just a big pile of fucking hurtful memories all through the summer for some time, I guess. I did have a big planned speech about how you said "I need some time for myself, some time on my own" when I was helping you pack up and move out of my life... yet, here you are, with some other dude just a couple of months after you were supposed to devote yourself to me for life. Sure didn't take you long to "find yourself". Like it was ever about that. Liar. And I don't know your exact situation... but I'm assuming you don't have full custody ...

There's a "new guy" in our little FCA core group (Me, [ex-NFL], [Normal Guy]... and now, Richard). He's a fantastic guy. My age, architect (so we have lots to talk about), very cool/fun, just got his car 2 months ago so he's very much like we all were that early on... showing up to every event, rain or shine. He was with us in the suite at F1 and part of our celebratory "owning" of The Domain for dinner. He's one more of these people that I can tell will be part of all the best times coming up. He's already been a part of the best ones at the close of the summer. He doesn't know my (our) story. It's been long enough that I've stopped telling it (immediately, anyway) and there really hasn't been a place to/point of getting into it (yet). But it made me realize. He only knows me like this. Single, (usually) laughing and telling jokes (even when I'm barely holding it together inside... like at the gala), rolling red solo wi...

I've gotten pretty good at not thinking about you all day, every day now. Keeping myself busy helps... the drugs probably do too... and I'm sure time is another factor... but Jesus, is it taking forever to make even the smallest progress. So I don't need my own mind fucking with me in dreams again. After the insane weekend... 4 days at F1, then the gala Friday night and a friend's bachelorette party on Saturday (yes, I said bachelor ette ... I wore the tiara, played the games, all of it) I was completely worn out. The long hours were a big part, but the constant drinking was probably bigger. So on Monday I was dragging and needed an afternoon nap. I woke from it having just been with you. All I remembered was that we were laying somewhere... like on the couch, but it seemed more like outside... on a hammock maybe. I just remember that our bare legs were intertwined and I could feel the softness of your smooth skin on mine. I woke with that vivid feeling/image drif...