Letters to My Wife

This Man is complicated, yet loving This Man is simple. It requires only that you love Him, there is no additional burden to bear. This Woman is not complicated, but loving her is. It comes with additional obligations which can be daunting at the outset. This Man wasn't sure He could live up to what was asked and spent many nights in the early days debating if He were up to the task. But This Man learned very quickly that This Woman was worth it. This Woman was worth anything... This Woman was worth everything. This Woman brought out strength in The Man that He didn't know he possessed. This Woman gave This Man a drive and purpose to accomplish things He never knew he had the capacity for. This Man saw no end to what He could do with This Woman at His side. In This Woman This Man had found what He had searched for from the moment He began to look. This Man realized that every step He had taken His entire life was leading Him to This Woman. Even when This Man was ye...

I'm not sure what makes some days worse than others, but today is very bad. I reach out to friends but there is no solace to be found in their words and suggestions. I pace and try to find distractions but nothing appeases me. I cannot concentrate on anything... music, TV, movies, video games, work. It's hard to overcome the pointless feeling of it all. Previous to this every little thing had a purpose, a piece in the bigger picture. Now the portrait of the future is shattered and picking up the pieces seems futile. Putting it back together? It will only emphasize the cracks and damage. It has been destroyed. Best to just leave it where it lies and hope to not cut myself on the sharp edges as I try to tiptoe through it. I can only assume that you are happier than I am and that this time the burden is mine to bear. It's worse than any other time, only because this was the best ever... so the loss is much greater. I wonder if the hearts I've broken struggled like...

I'm aware that I often try (yet often fail) to look at things objectively, rationally and without the trappings and influence of emotion... which means what "makes sense" to me often doesn't align with how things "feel" to others. This is another of those times. One thing that I've thought about extensively over the last 6 weeks has been why I can't make sense of this choice on your part. I understand if you were unhappy in terms of my relationship to your children. I understand if things would need to change in that regard. I understand if you didn't feel you could tell me what was going on with you out of fear that I wouldn't understand or be supportive (although, to be fair, I believe I always tried to do both of those things for you in all situations... even if I didn't always succeed). I understand if you feel guilty for not being "a better mother" up until now and want to change that. But you say you love me. It was th...

That was always our cute little "call and response". "I love you." from me. "I love you more!" from you. Bullshit. You're a fucking liar. I've had almost 2 months to think about this, having it endlessly swirling in my head day and night. Unable to sleep on nights just like this (after 5am now) with my thoughts nothing but unending conversations with you. At first it was all pleading; begging you to just let us try to find our way through the mess that this has turned into. Now it's usually just arguments; the anger builds more each day. The more you ignore any contact I make with you (and not some annoying pleading either... even when I am only letting you know you have some mail here, you ignore me as if I'm suddenly an enemy) the more angry I become. And that gets me thinking... both about the "love you | love you more" exchanges and the big picture of the last 4 and a half years. It's easy to say that I believe ...

Lately when I'm out anywhere (which is rare... the nights I can manage to find plans with friends they seem to pass in seconds yet the days between drag like weeks) there is always a moment when I suddenly, intensely wish you would suddenly appear. Dinner and drinks at Cru: wishing you would come in the door, unaware I would be there... Cocktails on the rooftop at Dogwood: wishing you would be standing near the rail with a glass in your hand as my group enters... Steaks at Fleming's: wishing you would be seated at the bar enjoying a glass of wine as the hostess greets me with familiarity. I don't know what I would say... it probably wouldn't go well anyway.  I'm sure you'd be cold and emotionless, annoyed that I've interrupted your rocket-propelled trajectory of moving away from me, from us, as quickly as possible; forgetting we ever existed at all as soon as possible since that's "easier" (for you... fucking heartless). On the more frequen...

It's now been over a month since you broke the news. I can't help but to think... if you hadn't been adamant that we were over before you even gave me an opportunity to fix things... If you had only told me you were unhappy and things needed to improve... and given me a chance to do so... by now, things would already be better. Even if we decided to postpone the wedding until you were sure things were heading in the direction you needed... we would now have wonderful memories of starlit beaches, making love in paradise, smiles across the table, holding hands with our feet in the sand... we would both be happier... and your children would be happier. That could have started by now, could have been well on its way... instead the last month has been the purest, uncut form of misery... at least for one of us... I'll assume you aren't happy either, but at this point I don't know what to think. To me that idea is fucking ludicrous. The things you needed to change ...

Today is hard. But don't I say that every day? It's been 5 weeks to the day since you dropped the bomb on everything. 2 weeks ago today we were to wed. This time (1:06am) on that day would have been deep into our wedding night. Waves crashing on the beach outside the open doors of our room, beyond the private pool and deck. I would know what your dress looks like by now... but now I'll never even see it at all. Never see the perfection of your curves in it. Your smile in the sun, bare feet in the sand, bouquet in hand. I would have cried my eyes out in happiness. I actually haven't cried in all of this. A friend said that she thinks some things hurt so badly that even tears can't do it justice. I think she is profound. So much gone. So much lost. So pointless. Tonight too many of the really bad thoughts keep winning. The images of the hands of other men gliding over the body of my wife. You smiling up at them. The images of your hands on them... and worse... a...

I asked myself a question (because I'm unable to ask you): Do you even miss me at all? I thought about the last 6 weeks. In that time I've reached out to you repeatedly, but you only reached out to me early on... and then it was only regarding when you could get your things. Your only concern seemed to be how quickly you could exorcise yourself from our life, how quickly you could put me in the rear-view mirror, how quickly you could forget me, forget that our life together ever existed at all. My days are bleak, colorless. I kill time... only I have no idea to what end. I'm not sure what it is that I am burning hours of my life to get to. I'm like a child trying to quickly pass the days until Christmas arrives... only there is no Christmas waiting in my scenario. Just an unending stream of identical days with no purpose. I also wonder if you're happier now than you were 6 weeks ago. I'm not. I can't imagine that you are. And yet, I very much can imag...

Today was hard. It has been a month since you altered the course of our lives forever. At first the days were a dichotomy: either depression or rage. Depression over the loss of something that had so much good, so much true, pure, healthy love. Rage over the frustration at your complete lack of willingness to try and improve the portion of our life that was causing you pain. Slowly the amplitude of the days lessened to either sadness or anger. Each was dictated by endless conversations/negotiations/arguments I would have with you in only my head. If they were pleading and bargaining I would be sad over the waste of the rare thing we were lucky enough to find in one another. If they were attempts to get you to realize the irrationality of your decision to throw it all away without even allowing me a chance to learn from my mistakes and make our life even better than it already was I would be frustrated and angry. There was never any in-between. Only sadness or anger. I preferred n...

[Most Beautiful], you stand on this beach... and I'm right here . You stand with your perfect little feet in the sand, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen... and I'm right here . I've seen you laugh and I've seen you cry. I've seen you fall and I've seen you fly... and I was right there . I've seen you accomplish incredible things... running marathons, rocketing skyward in your career and powering through everything life threw at you... and I was right there . I've seen you give me the greatest, most perfect gifts I never even thought imaginable... the best one being this love that I honestly didn't even think was possible... didn't think existed... and I was right there . I've seen you take some things a little too far (New Years... and New Years... and New Years)... and I was right there . (holding your hair at times) I've seen you grow and wander life's path, finding out who you are and what you wanted from it.....

The point of this is simple. I still have so much to say, still feel so much, but can no longer say it to the only person that is meant to hear it. I can no longer reach out to you, in so doing I would only go from lucky, happy, loving fiancee to bothersome ex who simply can't let it go. It is likely that you will never read any of this, and perhaps that's for the best, but this at least allows me to say all the things swirling in my chaotic thoughts. A catharsis of the deeply bruised heart. 5 weeks ago you were smiling, laughing. We were making plans and making love. We were happy (or so it seemed... to everyone... and to me). 3 weeks after that we were to wed on the beach, you in the dress I was never allowed to see (but were so radiantly happy when you brought it home, bundled away from my anticipating eyes). 4 weeks ago you brought it all crashing down with no warning. A last-minute change of heart that you said had actually been building for a while. A pain that you ...