Letters to My Wife

Well... two things, I guess. First... Maybe one day I'll be able to explain fully, and maybe you don't care and will never care... but the moment you reached out last night was *exactly* when you should have. After months of wanting to see that name pop up on my phone, the fact that it did suddenly pulled me away from what I was in the middle of and had a profound effect on the day for me. I know you say you wish you hadn't done it, but again in that "[J], fate is screaming at you, listen!" way I hear in my head during important moments in life... you'll never know (well, until I explain one day, maybe) just how much impact it had. I sat there dumbfounded just thinking "how is it possible that happened at this exact moment?!?!?!". So whether you regret it or not, it might just end up being a much larger turning point in both of our lives than you realize right now... maybe more than you'll ever realize. And I'm sorry it took me so long t...

For months now I have had this feeling. This "not myself" feeling. As if I'm walking 5-10 feet beside myself, like I'm in the wrong place every moment of every day. Even if I'm in familiar places with familiar friends and it is what should be a comfortable, happy time. I just feel.... "off". I realized what it reminds me of. I'm not sure if this ever happened to you as a child, but once in grade school I got on the wrong bus to go home (the bus number in the morning was different from the afternoon, but I got on the "morning" one after school). That's how I feel now. Like I can see everything passing by me, it's all familiar, but I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be and the path I'm on isn't heading where I want to go... and that I have no control to stop it, I'm just forced to go along for the ride. That's exactly how this all feels, like I am absolutely *not* where I'm supposed to be and *not* go...

I hate how we never do well now when we aren't talking face to face. So much emotion in it over stupid ass texts and not much better with phone calls. That's precisely why I wanted to go to counseling. I fucking loved you and would do anything for you, so I wanted you to feel like you were in a place where you could say what you needed to as you clearly had gotten to some place (due to my actions, I can own that) where you didn't feel you could. You were wrong... I loved you and would listen to anything you had to say and would have tried to give you what you needed if you told me how important it was or how much you were hurting. That keeps me up at night. But if you needed a safe place with a third party there I wanted to give you that... I wanted to give you anything required for you to just be able to tell me what you needed and to let me try. I hate how completely fucking trashed this beautiful relationship ended up.. and so god damned quickly (seemingly, to me) this...

(Hold on tight.. this one is angry as fuck) So I talked to someone about the house... They estimate I can sell it right now for 370-380. So let's start there... That means I'm already losing 30K-40K form what we I paid. Plus the realtor's fees on the sale at that level would be around 22K. So now I'm out around 50K-60K. I pulled the numbers and I've put about 12K into making the house our "home" over the last year... The shed, garage door openers, the door hardware, indoor and outdoor blinds, the electrical work, fans, cabinet hardware and soft close hinges, the shelves I built in the bathrooms and things I've done to upgrade the garage. So all totaled, if I were to try to sell now I'd be out somewhere around 62K-72K . Almost 2 years of your fucking salary, just gone from my savings and into the wind. All because I trusted you. Fuck. And that's what fucking pisses me off. I saw this coming when you decided to end this. What I ...

I actually don't sit around counting the days, but I figure it'll be a while before I don't notice "the 26th" of any month... and I'm sure when July 26th rolls around for years I'll think "shit... this would have been our anniversary". And I'll always be reminded of July 5th every time the 4th rolls around and that horrible fucking text/phone call comes painfully to mind. Just a big pile of fucking hurtful memories all through the summer for some time, I guess. I did have a big planned speech about how you said "I need some time for myself, some time on my own" when I was helping you pack up and move out of my life... yet, here you are, with some other dude just a couple of months after you were supposed to devote yourself to me for life. Sure didn't take you long to "find yourself". Like it was ever about that. Liar. And I don't know your exact situation... but I'm assuming you don't have full custody ...

There's a "new guy" in our little FCA core group (Me, [ex-NFL], [Normal Guy]... and now, Richard). He's a fantastic guy. My age, architect (so we have lots to talk about), very cool/fun, just got his car 2 months ago so he's very much like we all were that early on... showing up to every event, rain or shine. He was with us in the suite at F1 and part of our celebratory "owning" of The Domain for dinner. He's one more of these people that I can tell will be part of all the best times coming up. He's already been a part of the best ones at the close of the summer. He doesn't know my (our) story. It's been long enough that I've stopped telling it (immediately, anyway) and there really hasn't been a place to/point of getting into it (yet). But it made me realize. He only knows me like this. Single, (usually) laughing and telling jokes (even when I'm barely holding it together inside... like at the gala), rolling red solo wi...

I've gotten pretty good at not thinking about you all day, every day now. Keeping myself busy helps... the drugs probably do too... and I'm sure time is another factor... but Jesus, is it taking forever to make even the smallest progress. So I don't need my own mind fucking with me in dreams again. After the insane weekend... 4 days at F1, then the gala Friday night and a friend's bachelorette party on Saturday (yes, I said bachelor ette ... I wore the tiara, played the games, all of it) I was completely worn out. The long hours were a big part, but the constant drinking was probably bigger. So on Monday I was dragging and needed an afternoon nap. I woke from it having just been with you. All I remembered was that we were laying somewhere... like on the couch, but it seemed more like outside... on a hammock maybe. I just remember that our bare legs were intertwined and I could feel the softness of your smooth skin on mine. I woke with that vivid feeling/image drif...

"There you stand, so involved somehow... igniting some other lover's flame" "Do you want to knock me down? Well you're doing fine." I actually got to talk to Corey about this song (my favorite of everything he's done). It isn't about exactly what it seems, but the idea is close enough. Feeling the bitterness invade after betrayal. I made a mistake. Not worth going into and I don't know if you still talk to C (if you do I'm sure she'll more than happily fill you in on the details from her end), but I ticked off J when I told them I hoped she didn't have anything to do with you being under the impression that Diane and I were anything other than friends... especially after I told her explicitly that fact months ago and that it hasn't (and will not ever) change. I've never seen him mad like that. I didn't think he was even capable of it, to be honest. It got smoothed over and he said he just misses all of us hanging ...

Today began with 6am trip to Trattoria 360 before meeting Daniel to go to the track. Sat at the table waiting for my order where we sat during so many FCA breakfasts. Felt so... off... so... incomplete... so... wrong. Ferrari Gala tonight. Some other woman (friend) going in your stead. Trying to be excited about it. Am not at all. Would rather know I'm going to drive you home later after having looked at you from across the room all night, feeling that proud happiness that I always felt wanting to burst forth from me, barely able to contain my love and admiration for you because I knew I was with the most fantastic woman on Earth. You'll be missed by all. Everything about today feels wrong. I love you. I miss you. And I have no idea if any of this matters to you. The idea of you being in another's arms feels so... unreal. Somewhere this all went wrong... and it all still feels wrong. So wrong. (P.S. I see that someone is reading this... I have no id...

F1 weekend. In an effort to breathe life back into my life, I've started saying "Yes" to every invite I'm given. Daniel had an extra ticket to F1 (nice main grandstand spot this time) so I said "Yes" and bought it from him. Part of the ticket is a pre-race walk on the track and seeing the teams setting up in the garages, etc. That was today. We figured we'd see some FCA people there. Sure enough. Ron... not sure if  you remember him, but if you saw him you would. He had the "ROMAN" plate and always blasted Italian opera out of his car at the Hangar. He walked up... "Hey [J]! Where's your wife?" I sort of stopped dead a bit, not sure how to answer. "Oh, is she not with you... too cold today" "uhhh... no, she's not... " "Not with you?" "Yeah... not... not *with* me" He could tell by my reaction there was more to it. "Wait... do you mean not 'with you' with you?...

I'm in love with this song... been listening to it for days on repeat... Only I can't for the life of me figure out the second line... I'm pretty sure the first one is "I just don't love you" (don't love you... don't love you... don't love you... don't love you) But I cannot for the life of me figure out the second one... "There's no more way to... ???" "There's only one way to.. ???" "There's no other way to... ???" Or I could have it all completely wrong and am just hearing what I want to... But my first thought: "[Most Beautiful] would be able to tell what they are saying, she always could... and she remembers every lyric ever". Dammit, [Most Beautiful]. God damn if little things like this that I adored about you make me miss the living hell out of everything about you. I hate it. So angry... So sad... So in love... So trying not to be any of that. EDIT: An...

Every day I struggle to keep the images out of my head. The drugs help, but not completely. All of the things that made me happy now belong to someone else. All of the horrible emotions that I never had to feel during our time together (and would never have to feel again once you were my wife) are now constant and unrelenting. Jealousy, envy, hatred, rage, despair... And all I can do is see you smiling, laughing and enjoying all the pleasures of life... sharing them, sharing yourself... with some random asshole. Some dude, fucking my wife. And my wife, loving every second of it. Torture. At first I was ashamed that this is the crux of my jealousy. Of all the things in life, why is it only the sex that bothers me? It seems superficial and juvenile. But then I realized... the reason is simple... Because that's the ONLY THING we didn't share with anyone else. You would sometimes go to dinner with other people (without me) or to the movies... you would even spend the night ...

I was going to give you everything... ...but you didn't want me

Now that you've read all of this, my guess is you probably won't come back to it. In which case it's just my private place in public once again to say what I need to say without burdening you with it. That said... maybe you will wander back at some point. If so, I want something to be very clear since there seems to be gossip, rumor and straight-up lies being told. Diane is my friend. Nothing more. Diane has been nothing but a friend from the start and throughout. Diane will always be only a friend. Diane and I have never even held hands. Diane wants exactly the same from me. Nothing more. Mostly because I'm still in love with you, but also because a friend is what we both need more than anything right now... and lastly because I don't feel any attraction to her (physical, emotional, or otherwise). I need a friend and she's a good one... and even if I did find her attractive (which I don't... I mean, yes, she's pretty, but I don't see her l...

Funny... those are the words texted to me just a few minutes ago from a new friend of mine. The exact words that I always told you I needed to hear from you to get me to step back from the edge of some ugly shit I was about to dive into. But you never did. She has only known me a few weeks and yet she has been there for me more than you were for the last year. And no, I have no romantic interest in her... why? Because I'm fucking in love with you, so no one else holds a candle. Yet I hear from her constantly... she checks in on how I am. You couldn't be bothered to see how I was doing even once. Even when I'm having to dive back into therapy and medication. So happy that you found it so easy to start fucking someone else just over 2 months after we were supposed to wed. That says so much about who you are as a person and how much you were lying to me for... fuck, who knows how long. And therein lies why she said "Don't do it!"... Just now home after...

I don't know if this will be the last, but there isn't much point in saying anything else. It would all just be waves and waves of anger akin to what I'm feeling at this moment. You just needlessly, callously informed me that you're already seeing someone else. Wow. That sure didn't take long. 3 Months from saying you would spend the rest of your life with me to swallowing some other random dude's come. Nice. I really don't understand why you would tell me that. Jesus, how fucking heartless and insensitive are you? Do you really think I fucking needed to know that? I swear you're not even close to the person I thought you were all this time. It was always a cute joke when we would say it during our time together, but now... seriously "I don't even know you any more". I hope it felt good to hurt me like that. All throughout this people have been asking if there was someone else and I told them "Nah, no way"... but the...

Happy Relationships - Since I had one of those, likely better than any I see around me, but no longer have it in my life... and may never have one that compares to it again... pretty much for certain never *that* happy again. Unhappy Relationships - Since that's what I'll have to deal with moving forward. Anything Teaching Related - When people talk about teachers or I read things about the education system I just think of you and how much I liked being involved in that part of your life. I hate not knowing anything about your class this year. I hate that I didn't get to do the welcome walk with you. Beautiful Women - Since I no longer have one of those in my life. And the odds of finding anyone as attractive as I found you are pretty fucking slim. Unattractive Women -  Since that's probably who I now have to "settle" for when/if I get around to being in a relationship again. Engagement Rings - No explanation necessary. Yours is still sitting here. I...